You must feel sorry for Malik Alvin and his generously sized mancannon.

(Show-off.)

At tiny Binghamton University, the school housing authority tries to meet its students’ contraceptual needs, offering condoms for free, but clearly their selection just couldn’t quite measure up. We struggle to think of any other reason why Alvin, a junior guard from Philadelphia via UTEP and Chipola JC, would try to steal a box of Trojan Magnums (Magnums, people; he’s either having sex or wrapping up parking meters) from a local Wal-Mart. Security there noticed Alvin enter a restroom carrying two boxes of the jimmy hats and leave with none, but the real fun began when they approached him and Alvin fled.

Alvin was able to make it to the the foyer out of the grasp of the security guards, and if you’ve ever seen the type of person employed by Wal-Mart as a security guard, you realize how little of an accomplishment that is. But once he got to the entry way, a 66-year-old woman was in his way, so Alvin plowed her.

Literally. Or no, not literally. Or maybe–look, he didn’t have sex with her. Gross. He just ran her over. But doing so just landed Alvin in even more hot water:

[S]he sustained a concussion, Vestal town court documents indicate.

Alvin pleaded innocent Thursday in Vestal town court to one count each of petit larceny and third-degree assault. Both counts are misdemeanors. Alvin remains free pending further court action.

Yeah, he’s free. Free to keep banging six girls at once. Look, if someone’s stealing 36 extra-large condoms, it’s safe to say he’s not exactly stocking up for the year. We’re glad he’s using protection, but dude, perhaps some additional changes in life philosophy are in order after you brain some old lady on a vending machine just so you can get a piece before practice.