LIFE’S GREAT WHEN YOU’RE SHRUTEBAG’S PERSONAL PAWN: John Canzano in his blog for the PORTLAND OREGONIAN speculates today that Colin Cowherd (aka “Shrutebag“) will be the radio replacement for Dan Patrick on ESPN Radio. A *promotion* like that and $7.50 will get Shrutebag a Raspberry Mocha Frappuccino® at Starbucks.

And now he won’t have to worry about moving out of Bristol! Or finding a new spinning class. And the late night teevee fill-in host thing will have to wait (unless the Craig Ferguson Show calls).

Canzano, who has apparently been thumbing through Dan Shaughnessy’s hefty, dog-eared volume of internet cliches (circa 1998), covered Cowherd when he was AM radio titan in Portland, and reports with a mixture of sadness and glee that “Everytime I mention Cowherd, I get email from readers telling me they find him shrill and unlistenable. And the other blogs hate the guy… not that a bunch of guys sitting around in their bathrobes, playing X-box while surfing the Internet for Bai Ling photos should be counted on to set quality-control standards.”

Bai Ling? Anyone? Actually, that sounds like the Thai joint we used to frequent in L.A.’s Filipinotown. Now we get it.

In the same blog post, Canzano also writes “The nation’s media columnists are whiffing on the search for Dan Patrick’s replacement. Why isn’t anyone yet seriously talking, or writing, about Colin Cowherd sliding into the clean-up spot in the ESPN-radio lineup? All I’m reading these days is a bunch of writers backslapping their writer friends, supposing that the Patrick replacement will be from the printworld.”

OK, fair enough, but he then adds “Maybe I’m out of my beat here, but all Cowherd has done is double Tony Kornheiser’s ratings, and triple the advertising revenue in the same timeslot. He seems like the obvious choice to me, but we all have our own taste.”

Unless George Bodenheimer is faxing Mr. Canzano ESPN radio quarterly revenue reports, we wonder just where he came up with those figures? Hmmmm, could it be … Shrutebag?

Yes, in the wake of the Patrick departure, it is a sad state of current affairs for ESPN Radio. Especially considering that all we’re reading these days is a writer backslapping his radio friend, supposing that the Patrick replacement will be from the mid-morning ESPN radioworld.