Coked-Up Tennis Player Not Guilty Of Coking Up

It’s not every day that we can say we’re truly thrilled to bring you news regarding athletes and banned substances. Sure, Manny’s fertility drug test was rather giggle-worthy and Jeremy Mayfield’s ongoing meth saga has been amusing, but even those were ultimately just another story about another cheating player and a poorly-written testing policy. But today? Today is something special, folks.

Richard Gasquet

(That’s him on the left, not doing coke.)

We’re proud to announce that French tennis player Richard Gasquet has been exonerated and reinstated to the pro tennis tour after testing positive for cocaine back in May. How, you ask? Was he the victim of a tainted sample or a badly-administered test? Well, no. It was the stripper’s fault, you see. It’s always the stripper’s fault.

In an inspired defense of their client, Gasquet’s lawyers claimed he picked up cocaine in his body by kissing a coked-up girl at a Miami “nightclub”. As the NEW YORK TIMES reports:

Although Gasquet, 23, was at fault for exposing himself to contamination at a nightclub, “that fault was not significant,” the three-lawyer panel ruled today. Gasquet had told the panel that he took in the cocaine while kissing a woman, whom he identified only as Pamela, The Associated Press reported.

The best part is not the excuse, because hey - who hasn’t accidentally picked up detectable amounts of illegal drugs by chastely kissing a young lady goodnight? - but rather, the fact that the panel actually bought it. Of course, it was a panel of lawyers. They were probably just impressed at the ingeniuity of it all.

Take note, Martina Hingis: this is how you handle a positive drug test.

No word on how Gasquet intends to celebrate his victory, but we wouldn’t be surprised if it involved “kissing women at a nightclub” if you know what we mean, and we think you do. After all, if it happened once, who’s to say it couldn’t happen again and again?