Coach K Is Ready To Start Scalping Duke Tickets

The college basketball season will be here before you know it, and right now all over the country schools are playing out exhibition games in preparation for the year. This includes everybody’s favorite men’s basketball squad, the Duke Blue Devils. The Dukies finished their exhibition schedule on Wednesday night, and even though they beat Lenoir-Rhyne 95-42, there was something about the game that left a bitter taste in Mike Krzyzewski’s mouth afterwards (cue the J.J. Redick jokes).

(”I will rip your soul out with my bare f#@%ing hands!”)

You see, since his team was playing such an inferior opponent, Coach K didn’t have to do all that much coaching last night. This left him with a lot of time to take in the atmosphere around Cameron Indoor Stadium, and as he was doing so he noticed something troubling. There were a lot of empty seats in Cameron, and now Coach K is ticked off.


“We played well, but there was something a little bit missing,” Krzyzewski said. “The same thing with the crowd. We should remind all our Duke fans that we start our season on Monday and every game counts, and if you’re not going to come, let us know and we’ll sell the seats.

“We should not have an empty seat in Cameron.  That’s the way it is. I know I can sell them. I’ll go sell them. If you’re not coming, I’ll go sell them.

“Look, I’m hungry. I think our team is hungry.  The people here, we’re hungry. Let’s go after it by getting a good atmosphere. We can be better. But it’s a group thing. … It’s my 29th year. I’ll sell tickets. It’ll be a cool thing. I’ll get my grandkids out there. We’ll put Cameron Crazy wigs on and we’ll get everyone in there.”

Seriously, Mike, relax.  Duke basketball games have been sold out for years, and it’s not going to change anytime soon. So what if a few people don’t show up to see you guys beat some team by 50 points? You do realize that you coach basketball at a school, don’t you? Could it be possible that the students at Duke thought staying at home and studying just might be a better option than to see what the boys at Lenoir-Rhyne look this year?

If you’re so freaking hungry, go eat a baby like you normally do.