Clemens, Ronaldo Provide Lessons on Apologies

As Fridays are the day for dumping unwanted news, Mondays are the day to get your name into the news for more positive press. Therefore, welcome to “So Sorry!” Monday. Your guests this week include Roger Clemens and soccer star Ronaldo.

First up: Roger Clemens, the man that doesn’t know when to say “settle for a minuscule amount of cash with the guy crazy enough to keep your old gauze for a decade”. The discovery process for that civil trial has now led to revelations of (all alleged) performance enhancing drug use, extra-marital affairs, and statutory rape. So how do you apologize, Roger Clemens?

That’s right; it’s the Jason Giambi apology! Apologize broadly for all your sins and ask for forgiveness. Sorry, Roger; you only wish the American public worked like the Catholic Church.

Go on, Roger:

“I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

Except, of course, he doesn’t name any of the mistakes, denies cheating with drugs, and won’t acknowledge an improper relationship with a fifteen-year-old. The only faux pas missing from this apology is the standard “I apologize if you were offended”. Honestly, is Max Bialystock running Roger’s PR campaign and trial efforts?

In summary: Roger, falling on your sword doesn’t count if you roll to the side just as you reach the tip.

Speaking of, onto Ronaldo, who heard someone saying this when he found out the ladies he brought back to his Rio motel rool while rehabbing a knee injury weren’t Ladies… at all:

Insanely rich guy gets bored; insanely rich guy hires hookers; insanely rich guy wishes he had done a little better inspection before purchase. And let’s not forget his knee injury; it’s not like he could hop all over Rio looking for the best of the batch.

Still, Ronaldo knows how to apologize:

“… biggest mistake of my life…”

“It was an isolated and stupid act.”

“I’m sorry and ashamed.”

“I made the stupidest mistake ever of my personal life.”

“Anyone can make a mistake, and I made a big mistake.”

Now there’s a man that knows how to fall on a sword. Of course, he has another contract to work for once rehab is done, so he has more to lose than his pride and Aleve commercials when he’s 55.

Still, keep it up, gentlemen. After all…

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