Churchill Downs Screws Up Friday Night Horsies

Churchill Downs, home of one of the wildest infields in horse racing for the Kentucky Derby (or at least it was), had a brilliant idea earlier this year. “Say,” they said (and we’re paraphrasing here, obviously). “Why not hold races at night for the first time ever? And on a Friday night? You think people will enjoy that?” Amid bewildered stares, hemming, and hawing, the track did just that last week.

Night Racing at Downs
(We couldn’t find any pictures of last weekend’s night racing, so uh… this’ll do. Took us hours to make.)

Shockingly, over 28,000 drunks degenerate gamblers “racing enthusiasts” showed up, completely overwhelming the track and its concessionaires. The lines were long and the beers overpriced, and mumble grumble people no happy, prompting a full-page apology in the newspaper.

Ah, but this story has a happy ending. As the LOUISVILLE COURIER-JOURNAL reports, the track is holding a second Friday night event tonight, but with one majorly different priority: getting you drunk with acceptable efficiency.

Racing fans who waited in long lines for beer and other concessions at Churchill Downs on June19 can get their spirits raised Friday. […]

More than 50 walking vendors will help triple the number of concessionaires from a week ago, when 28,011 fans showed up for the first night racing card in Churchill history.

“We’re planned and staffed for as many fans or more (as last week),” said [Churchill spokesman Darren] Rogers, who noted that there’ll be twice as many places to buy concessions this week.

But beer prices, sir! I’m not going to sit here and let you make me spend $40 to get drunk! That’s gambling money!

Other peace offerings: In the paddock, 12-ounce draft beers will go for $1 from 4-8p.m., then for $2 until closing, around midnight.

Well played, Churchill. That, people, is what we’re talking about.

Clearly, the idea of gambling on horse racing at night is begging for disaster a brilliant idea, as gate receipts topped $1.6 million, or nearly triple what a comparable Friday would have taken in last year. With spectators more properly lubricated and spending less per drink, who knows how much the bottle will tell them to bet tonight? Only one way to find out!

Hmm? Oh, we meant “reckless speculation.” We’re not actually going there. C’mon, we have priorities.