Chicago Media Embraces the Neckbeard of Orton

We’re not suggesting a certain desperation in the Chicago papers to find a positive spin on the 2008 Chicago Bears in lieu of skill, athleticism, and a clear plan for the future. Or, you know, any spin. We’re flat-out declaring said desperation.

Frankly, we can relate; we haven’t seen such a pathetic competition for a single spot (Chicago Bears quarterback) since Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman battled with boxing gloves on “Battle of the Network Stars”. (Okay, so that never happened, much to America’s loss.)

Collage of neckbeards including Kyle Orton

(This is the CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s collage, not ours; don’t you see how cool Orton is now? He’s just as cool as Ann B. Davis!)

However, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s effort to find worth in Kyle Orton as Chicago’s leader of the offense by petting his neckbeard (metaphorically) probably explains the splinters that documentarians of the Chicago Bears have under their fingernails; that approximates scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Not that we don’t love the Neckbeard and his Army (also mentioned in the piece). We just realize it’s lipstick on a hockey mom.

The piece drops historical names like Henry David Thoreau, Alan Keyes, and the founder of the Free Methodist Church to prove the historical significance of the neckbeard. (Okay, maybe not Keyes.)

However, let’s be clear: Kyle Orton is one unfortunate razor swipe away from being Henry Burriss and that’s just historically bad.