Here’s the thing about Charles Barkley: he may come off as contrarian and opinionated and anti-establishment or whatever, but that’s not really the case. He’s just in the normal early stages of Cranky Old Man Syndrome, in which COMS sufferers begin alienating themselves from the changes in the world around them. It wasn’t immediately obvious; Barkley’s frequent shots at his superiors could have been just a garden-variety case of a problem with authority.

(NERRRRRRRRRRDS! AND BIRRRRRRRRRDS!)

But now that he’s going after TWITTER, well, we’re kicking ourselves that we didn’t diagnose the COMS earlier. It’s so obvious, in retrospect. He doesn’t hate authority because they tell him not to do things, he’s just not used to the culture of responsibility. And the kids, with their Twitter Tweet Twoodles or whatever they’re called? Well, Charles Barkley doesn’t much cotton to these computers today.

From USA TODAY:

Don’t spend time looking for Charles Barkley’s Twitter account.

“I’m not a damn loser,” he told radio host Dan Patrick.

Asked whether his buddies Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods Twittered, Barkley said “I hope they got a life.”

Why yes, they do have lives. Lives that include far more free time than most Twitter users, as a matter of fact, and even five minutes a day that they might spend talking directly to their Twittering fanbase might strengthen their standing even further; just look at what Andy Roddick is doing, for example; let’s not pretend he doesn’t have a life all of a sudden.

So why wouldn’t Tiger or MJ ever join Twitter? We think we have an idea:

Ah yes, the giant money factory that is Nike, who have made brands out of the two men. In return, Tiger and MJ say absolutely nothing controversial or that hasn’t been vetted and pre-screened by Phil Knight’s dark minions in marketing and accounting.

Of course, Lance Armstrong is also a really popular Twitterer, and he’s a famous Nike client, so I guess the point is to stop reading before this paragraph. The end.