Speed Read: Stay Off Of Tom Watson’s Lawn

While you snored loudly all snug in your bed last night (and I hear it really was annoying, I’d look into that if I were you), the British Open got underway in Turnberry, Scotland. And who’s the early leader? Not favorites Tiger Woods or Padaig Harrington … and neither is it Charles Howell III (“Gilligan! […]

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Michael Phelps Smokes Yet Another World Record

One of the DEA’s dirty (and poorly kept) secrets is that marijuana - the devil weed - doesn’t have much in the way of long-term negative effects. That’s not to say it’s healthy, of course, but you don’t see the sores or teeth falling out or other never-the-same-after-that problems.

(Throwing his career away, right? What do […]

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Black Kids In The Pool? OH NO EVERYONE HIDE

If baseball’s America’s summer pastime, then swimming’s its younger, more generous cousin. You don’t even need equipment to partake in the sport, just large amounts of standing, hopefully clean water. Maybe a towel and a swimsuit, but we’ve all found ourselves in situations where the latter was unnecessary. But that’s an issue for a different […]

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I Am Invincible! I Can… Wait, Do You Feel A Draft?

There is no sports governing body more fussy than FINA when it comes to approving swimsuits. Among issues scrutinized by the watery overlords are buoyancy, “air trapping effects” and material thickness. Sadly, “may create open ass-flap like a pair of child’s footy pajamas” seems to have been overlooked. FINA, and more importantly the makers of […]

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Freedom! Swedish Rec Dept. OKs Topless Bathing

There are a lot of problems in the world, but every so often fate spares the rod and administers a tender mercy. Today is one of those days. Sports and Recreation officials of the Swedish city of Malmo have voted to allow women to go topless in the city’s public swimming pools. Following a series […]

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Michael Phelps Wrote A Book… About Dinosaurs

Michael Phelps is a man of many talents. He’s the fastest swimmer ever. He hangs around with girls whose shirts can’t stay on. He takes bong rips with superhuman efficiency. Let’s add “children’s author” to that list, because hey, why not?

(A Tyrannosaurus can’t even fit in a pool. This seems counterproductive.)
Yes, that’s actually a book […]

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Police Finally Nab Diabolical ‘Sugarcreek Merman’

Kevin L. Miller’s one-piece women’s bathing suit reign of terror officially ended on Tuesday, when Ohio police arrested the individual many are calling the Sugarcreek Merman. Miller was apprehended without incident at his home in Sugarcreek Township, while still wearing the bathing suit. Yep, this man was living the dream, 24/7.

(He flew too close to […]

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Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald Brady’s Kayak

It’s a little ironic after how hard he’s worked to get back onto the playing field, but Tom Brady’s career almost ended the way that so many NFL quarterbacking careers do — by his kayak being capsized in the Charles River. Oh no! Tom! Can you reach this branch?!

(”Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I […]

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“Ladies’ Swimsuit Guy” Continues Reign of Terror

Yes, America is a land of sweeping opportunity and self expression, but here’s a sobering reminder that sometimes our freedoms have horrifying consequences. Police in Sugarcreek Township, Ohio, near Dayton, are still searching for a man who is harassing young girls while wearing a one-piece women’s bathing suit.

My first thought of course is whether Cristiano […]

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Dara Torres And Her Milk Mustache: Would You?

The United Milk Council or whatever the hell they’re called (apparently it’s the “National Milk Processor Board”) recently released a Milk Mustache promotion starring Dara Torres. Observe:

(”Dairy Torres”! Now there’s a zinger!)
So. A 41-year-old mother of two looking like that. Normally when you think of women in their 40s showing off, it’s in those […]

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