Gerhart’s Girlfriend Speaks: ‘He’s One Big Muscle’

It’ll probably never get better for Toby Gerhart, a running back for Stanford who was largely anonymous until four days ago. But in the aftermath of leading The Cardinal to a 55-21 drubbing of USC at The Coliseum, he’s now a hot college football commodity.

Gerhart’s performance last Saturday and this season will almost certainly warrant […]

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Now Even Swimming Is Bad For Your Kids’ Health

A brief indulgence, if you please; we always wanted to be one of those irritating local news anchors who casually engage in blatant scare tactics and litter puns into their stories for no reason. Okay, here we go: Are swimming pools the greatest scourge to children’s safety in the history of the world? Swimming enthusiasts […]

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Oh, You Aussies And Your Donkey G-String Antics

Sorry to keep bringing this up, but when are Australian swimmers going to stop exposing themselves to train passengers wearing nothing but a novelty g-string with a donkey face covering their junk?

Our protagonist is 18-year-old Simon Partridge, who earns bonus points here. Because when it was time to get arrested for his little flashing episode, […]

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Canada Frowns On Drug-Running Swim Coaches

What’s the most hardcore thing your favorite coach ever did when you were in high school? Oh, did he yell at a guy? Maybe win a fight? Sorry, but Cecil Russell probably has him beaten.

(”Good news, kid; you’re alive! I’ll put the gasoline away and help you out of the pool.”)
Russell, if you’ve never heard […]

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Dara Torres Will Make You Crash Your Helicopter

Remember that weird-ass plane crash that happened over the Hudson River earlier this weekend? Helicopter meets plane meets fireball of death?

Turns out one of our most beloved Olympic heroes was closer to the crash than we might have imagined. Dara Torres, of all people, was two days away from adding “the late” to the front […]

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Asian Poker Tour Extends Hand To Michael Phelps

As much as he loves the Denny’s Grand Slam, an occasional bong hit and the watery kicking of Milorad Cavic’s ass, Michael Phelps may enjoy one thing even more. He has expressed the desire in the past to one day play poker professionally, and has been seen haunting casinos on more than one occasion. That’s […]

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Phelps Comes From Behind Again To Reclaim Title

Last summer, when Michael Phelps dominated the news from the 2008 Beijing Olympics with his record 8 gold medals, who would have possibly guessed that he would still be a celebrity today? In our 24-hour news cycle world, celebrities are made and forgotten seemingly overnight, and really, who cares about competitive swimming, anyways?

Yet, here we […]

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Michael Phelps Has Got His Speedos All In a Bunch

Listen you homos, if you don’t stop using those high-tech bodysuits to beat Our Shining Sir Lancelot of the Pool, Michael Phelps, he’s going pack his nose plugs and go home. Then watch what happens to swim meet attendance. (May look something like this).

The controversy occurred at the world championships in Rome today, as Germany’s […]

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Michael Jordan Inflatable Penis Girl Tells Her Story

First of all, I can only imagine what Osama bin Laden thought when he turned on the TV in his cave to watch a little golf, and saw a woman running toward Michael Jordan while waving a giant, polyurethane penis. The terrorists hate us for our inflatable plastic sex toys. Anyway, now the girl who […]

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Giant Man-Eating Squid Hunting CA Scuba Divers

It’s an immutable truth of the universe that people are fascinated by man-eating animals. Stephen Colbert has an ongoing feud with bears. The DISCOVERY CHANNEL’s ‘Shark Week’ is one of their highest-rated blocks of programming every year. A tiger features prominently in one of the year’s hottest movies, “The Hangover”. Man-eating animals are interesting; they […]

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