Ortiz, Sponsors On ‘03 Positive Test: “Hmmrphm”

Funniest thing about that report of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez testing positive for steroids in 2003: Big Papi has a lot of people heavily invested in the notion of him as a clean player.

(”You said they’d never find out about our team and you, Anthropomorphic Steroid Needle.” “Shhh, Dan… shhh….”)
Not the least of those […]

Read more...

NY Times: Manny, David Ortiz On ‘03 Doping List

Well, Hank Aaron said that he’d like for 102 players who tested positive in MLB’s confidential drug tests to have their names revealed, and little by little he’s getting his wish. THE NEW YORK TIMES is reporting that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, throwing somewhat of a wet […]

Read more...

Aaron Has Had It With You Kids And Your Drugs

No one is quite sure why Hank Aaron suddenly has turned from magnanimous, graying Ambassador of Tact to crusading, get-off-my lawn Gran Torino, but I for one welcome our new anti-PEDs overlord. Maybe this is just a function of old age, or perhaps there is just so much any man can take. Any man who […]

Read more...

Killebrew Cuts Down Manny For Passing Mantle

After Manny Ramirez passed the great Mickey Mantle for sole possession of 15th place in career home runs, the venerable Twins great and Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew told the MINNEAPOLIS STAR-TRIBUNE that “to see his name above Mantle’s on the list . . . that’s a shame.”

(A hero, yes, but an authority on PEDs?)
Killebrew […]

Read more...

“I Used HGH”: Some Player You’ve Never Heard Of

Back when the Mitchell Report was released, one figure named as having purchased from noted supplier Kirk Radomski was Jim Parque, a pitcher whose career with the White Sox was cut short by injury at the beginning of the decade. You probably never even had him on a fantasy baseball team.

(”All right, Kenny, let’s go […]

Read more...

In Which Albert Pujols Invites You Into His Bathtub

To recap, Albert Pujols does not take steroids — and to prove it, won’t you please accept this tube of scented bath gel and join him in the tub? Our Cardinals hero used the day before the All-Star game to reiterate his contention that his numbers are not chemically enhanced, and in fact he’s getting […]

Read more...

Darren Daulton Has Done More Drugs Than You

Since the Day of Reckoning is going to be here pretty soon (Dec. 21, 2012 to be exact), Darren Daulton figures there’s a few loose ends he’d like to take care of. For instance, if you’re a professional athlete and you think you’ve done a lot of drugs, think again. Dutch would like you to […]

Read more...

Roger Clemens Speaks, Has Nothing To Say

For the past year, retired dushbag Roger Clemens has been lying low out of the public eye since testifying before Congress on his alleged use of magical performance-enhancing potions. The popular theory was that Clemens was hunkering down with his legal team in preparation of a legal battle with…well, any number of people, really. Mindy […]

Read more...

Baseball’s Whistleblower Up For HOF Nomination

Eleven years ago, the world of sports was a very different place. Internet usage was in its relative infancy, ESPN cared more about televising sports news than people shouting at each other, and steroids were something that old-timey football players like Lyle Alzado used. That summer, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa would capture the nation’s […]

Read more...

Selig on Sosa: Show’s Over, Nothing To See Here

Bud Selig’s big problem is that English is his first language. When caught up in one of his monumental f***-ups, it would be convenient if he could just sit back and claim that he doesn’t understand what anyone is saying. Coincidentally, that’s what Sammy Sosa has done on more than one occasion – including to […]

Read more...