Matt Cassel might be a Patriot (at least until they trade him), but he apparently wasn’t ready to break out his bayonet for a swordfight at a Super Bowl party. According to the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS (who apparently had sources deep inside the restrooms at all parties), one drunken fan decided to “write his name in the snow” - but substituting the back of Cassel’s leg for snow.

I can guarantee you that this sort of thing doesn’t happen to Tom Brady. In fact, Brady probably hasn’t had to use a public bathroom with the unwashed masses since his rookie year. (As with all famous people, he has access to special, secret restrooms at all stadiums, complete with golden bidets, seat warmers on the toilets and free caviar at the wash stations instead of sticks of Extra gum.)

The reason Cassel was turned into a human urinal? He apparently had the nerve to call a guy out for cutting in line:

“The football star was in line for the bathroom at ESPN’s Tampa Bay Super Bowl bash Friday night when a drunken reveler tried to cut in front of him. “Matt told him to wait his turn and headed into the urinals,” a spy tells us. Moments later, the fella barged in and proceeded to purposefully pee directly on Cassel’s leg. After security tossed the drunk, Cassel headed back out into the crowd, wet pants and all.”

Someone drunkenly urinating on people at an ESPN event? The article doesn’t name the fan, but if if I had to make a guess, I’d sure want to know where Gary Miller was on Friday night.

Alyssa Milano was also at the party, with her assistants running around desperately looking fo a drink for their boss. Which again makes me wonder: Alyssa Milano has not just one, but multiple assistants? And Matt Cassel is going the bathroom with the common folk? Seriously?