Canada Frowns On Drug-Running Swim Coaches

What’s the most hardcore thing your favorite coach ever did when you were in high school? Oh, did he yell at a guy? Maybe win a fight? Sorry, but Cecil Russell probably has him beaten.

Cecil Russell the swim coach from hell
(”Good news, kid; you’re alive! I’ll put the gasoline away and help you out of the pool.”)

Russell, if you’ve never heard of him (and we’d be a little worried if you had, to be honest) is a Canadian swimming coach who was given a lifetime ban for his role in a steroid trafficking ring. Oh, and then it gets real weird.

As the OTTAWA CITIZEN reports, Russell’s ban was upheld by the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport today, and that’s probably a very good thing:

The Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport announced Monday that adjudicator Graeme Mew has denied the appeal of Russell, who was given a lifetime ban in 1997 for his role in a steroid trafficking ring, and later spent time in prison for his role in an ecstasy ring.

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not messed up enough? Allow us to continue:

In addition to his link to the steroid trafficking ring, Russell admitted during a murder trial of a former associate that he helped burn and dispose of the body.

And the Canadians aren’t going to let him coach because of that? C’mawwwwn! Who in the swimming world hasn’t helped dispose of a body by burning it beyond recognition then tossing the remains in a dumpster? Hell, Michael Phelps probably killed a guy for wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt* since liking those guys is so cliche.

The issue of Russell’s eligibility to coach swimming came up in light of his employment as a “personal trainer” at a swim club in Ontario, which seems like that sort of thing that’s either laughably illegal or so easy most people wish they’d thought of it first. As it turns out, illegal.

Undaunted by the bad news, Russell is expected to get another job at a swim club as a janitor. Err, a “janitor/expert at people moving their arms and legs while they’re in the water/corpse burner.” But mainly janitor, if the Canadian Feds ask. What, a man can’t use a mop these days? Fascists, the lot of you!

*Our lawyers, as always, insist that this statement should not be interpreted as fact.