Bald Cream Improves Your 3-Point Shooting Pct?

I suspect Ahmet Coskun, a German wheelchair basketballer competing in the Paralympics, occasionally feels self conscious about his predicament. It’s completely understandable because, well, people can be mean.

Wheelchair basketball

Which is why it seems perfectly reasonable that Coskun (which has to be German for “Costanza”), would take measures to combat hair loss. Being confined to a wheelchair happens, but why would you choose to be bald if you could do something about it? One problem: apparently, Coskun’s hair-loss ointment of choice is a banned substance, at least according to the German National Paralympic Committee. Seriously.

A statement from the German National Paralympic Committee said Ahmet Coskun had tested positive for finasteride after a pre-competition urine test on August 23.

The substance is used in a drug against hair loss and is on a list of banned substances, according to the statement.

It said that although finasteride does not enhance performance, it can be used to cover up drugs that do.

“I was thinking about my hair and had no idea that the drug, which is against hair loss, contained a banned substance. I’m very upset. I never intended to do doping,” Coskun said, according to the statement.

Good Lord, you can’t even try to grow hair anymore without accusations that you’re a drug addict. But them’s the rules, as German chef de mission Karl Quade makes clear in what I can only imagine was a stereotypically straight-faced German accent: “We take the issue of anti-doping very seriously. We’ve been carrying out an intensive anti-doping campaign for years in cooperation with Nada (the German anti-doping agency).”

Quade added: “We’ve also vigorously worked to eradicate the balds, too. Watch your back, Coskun.”*

Luckily, the Germans, playing without Coskun, were still able to defeat Iran in Wednesday’s match. A country, by the way, that may or may not possess the capability to build a nuclear bomb, but fully embraces those who chose to do something about chronic baldness. Weird.

* Quote is a complete fabrication