Cal Ripken Didn’t Beat Up Kevin Costner. Oh Well.

On “Talk of the Nation” to shill for his latest motivational book, Cal Ripken found himself exposed to NPR’s version of sports talk radio callers. They’re an awful lot like the ones in the hotel commercials, actually, but with worse comedic timing.

Kevin Costner Revenge

Since “Talk of the Nation”’s producers aren’t nuanced enough in the world of sport to catch all the rascals, one person slipped through security to ask about an old rumor: did the Orioles once cancel a night game with ‘electrical problems’ because Ripken couldn’t be found?

Ripken denied the rumor (and SNOPES.COM agrees), but UMPBUMP reminds us about the juicy subtext to the probably false story: Ripken supposedly disappeared because he was stewing in jail after pounding Kevin Costner into the ground for seducing his wife.

Of course, the story fulfills our need for an urban legend. Ripken, one of our national heroes, has his honor protected by a father figure owner (ha!) when he kicked the snot out of one of our national schmucks.

Hell, who cares if it’s true? We want it to be true, so it is. Ripken probably also turned down the lead role in The Bodyguard before Costner took it, giving Ripken more time to find new jobs for Billy Ripken. (Why did someone have to think of Billy Beer first?)