Bending It Like Beckham Just Got a Lot Easier

It being the Insane Black Friday and all - some places a little more insane than others - it feels appropriate to bring you this review of a video game that will no doubt be on your Christmas wish list: Naked Babe Soccer. Essentially, it’s a game for your handheld something-or-other that contains four “soccer skill” mini-games featuring naked girls jiggling their boobs. All in glorious 16-bit graphics! How could it possibly be bad?!?!?!

Naked Babe Soccer

(Insert joystick joke here)

Pretty easily, evidently. According to POCKETGAMER.COM, the game leaves a lot to be desired in the realm of “quality”. But really, when you’re investing in something like this, gameplay is low on the list of reasons to buy. The real question is if the naked videogame ladies are going to help the quality of your “pocket pool” game.

Take it away POCKETGAMER.COM:

These four games are based on either penalties or abstract ball skills, so those expecting a team’s worth of bouncing, ill-supported flesh onscreen should look elsewhere. The visuals are grounded in a manga style, with the girls painted in bold block colour rather than photorealistic strokes. The result is reasonably attractive for a low-budget adult game, although animations are poor, featuring few enough frames to seem more like a slide show than movement.

As proof, here’s a few screenshots from the not-very-erotic game:

Naked Babe Soccer, 1

(Just like in real soccer, you have only three possible ways to kick a ball.)

Naked Babe Soccer, 2

(The rare “soccer ball blowing up a kneecap” screenshot)

Naked Babe Soccer, 3

(Make your B-cup into a C instantly!)

So, as you can see, it’s probably best just to save the money, buy a few magic markers and scrap paper, and draw your own artistic interpretations of the naked female form. It’ll be just as effective. Happy bargain hunting, everyone!