Bulls’ Gordon Burns Arm In Flaming Scarf Accident

Ben Gordon of the Chicago Bulls sported a nifty fashion statement on his left arm in Monday night’s positioning battle with the Detroit Pistons. The large bandage didn’t stop him from depositing 8 of 15 shots on the way to 19 points and a Bulls win. According to Gordon, the bandage covered a burn received when his scarf caught fire on a candle.

Ben Gordon

Unless Gordon’s line of napalm scarves has finally reached the production stage, a three-year-old girl with a nervous bladder holds more water than this story. Remember that this is the same team that also dealt with Derrick Rose’s injury after he allegedly rolled over in bed onto the knife he cut his apple with.

It’s time to do away with the pretense surrounding these “accidents” and speak frankly about these incidents. The Bulls are finally a playoff team; now they have to tell the truth like one. They’ve been hiding the violent offender in their midst long enough. Without further adieu, the perpetrator of the Bulls’ pain and scars lo these 82 games:

The Great Bennydini.

The Great Bennydini (Benny the Bull)

Benny the Bull is known around these parts for his assault on police, his assault on Celtics (which he escaped on a technicality), his trip to Jerry Springer’s set, and his attacks on fans. Casual observers of the team don’t know, however, that he also acts as coach Vinny Del Negro’s enforcer and nominal father figure to the players.

The Great Bennydini always inspires the troops with his hard- (and large-) nosed rhetoric. He expects the Bulls will be thoroughbreds: winners all the way. The Bulls should get the best grades from critics, the most hardware from the league, and excel in sports (especially basketball). Never give up!

And if the Bulls do falter and a little positive(ly painful) reinforcement is required, so be it. You’re flying down the court with Benny the Bull and, he kids you not, he is the eye of the storm. Keep your scarf inside the window at all times.