Brog: Sweet Scent Of SoBe Officially Gone Sour

OK, I’m officially ready to move from SoBe back to Los Angeles. Living down here in the wintertime has been an absolute revelation, but as summer looms over South Florida, I’m ready to escape.

South Beach Stage Shows Featuring Optical Illusions From Behind

(What I’ll miss: Cheesy SoBe stage shows - with requisite optical illusion)

Besides the weather (hurricane season is here, yay!), South Beach is now officially a ghost town. In the winter and spring months, walks down Ocean Drive and Lincoln Road Mall yield mostly well-monied European tourists, Kate-Mossed models (nice, tight, drug bodies) and tastefully-implanted South American prostitutes honeys. Just like the Venice Boardwalk! (OK, maybe not)

And the best part of SoBe? The unending supply of high season hotties hangin’ all over the latest, shriveled-up Max Mosley in their life. It’s truly an inspiring vision that I wish I could share with all of you snow shovelers in Southeastern Ohio (Gallipolis!).

Sadly, all that is now gone, replaced by the now-more-noticeable homeless (and accompanying urine scent wafting over my morning eggs at News Cafe).

Like you, I knew all of this was going to happen. So I’m not upset, I still love South Florida and plan to come back next winter. Hopefully then I will, unlike T.O., experience my first Bang Bros. sighting.

Hooters Bike On South Beach's Ocean Drive

(What I’ll miss: $35K bike on SoBe’s Ocean Drive highlighted by Hooters logo)

So I’m now off to clear out my crappy flat with a detonated Daisy Cutter, shoehorn the remains into my car and journey down Alligator Alley (forget that boring drive through Orlando).

I won’t be making that trip for 2-3 weeks, but I will be back in Abbot Kinney-land early next week, for a shoot with a new SbB Girl. The shoot was originally set for South Florida, but I’m going to relocate it to Lipstick City.

Say what you will about SoCal’s smog (yes, that Gulden Mustard-colored, gaseous material you notice hovering over Culver City when you fly in is S-M-O-G) and overcrowding, the opportunities to produce spectacular photos with natural light is far superior to Miami. Not to mention SoCal’s beaches present many more options for sick piccies, as opposed to the featureless SoBe strand (though the water quality is far superior).

Sobe Street Scene Serves As Appetite Suppressant

(What I’ll miss: Sobe Street Scene Serves As Appetite Suppressant)

Oh yeah, I also have two separate invites in hand to parties at the Playboy Mansion later this month, so that might have something to do with my being suddenly moved-to-move.

Lakers-Celtics is almost here, so why aren’t I excited? Especially considering the NBA is really pulling out all the stops with super-cool promotions like these - from SPORTS BUSINESS DAILY today: “Basketball HOFer John Havlicek will welcome the Larry O’Brien Trophy, given to each year’s NBA champion, as it arrives at Manchester-Boston Regional Airport via the Southwest Airlines NBA-branded 737 “Slam Dunk One.” The event is open to fans and the media.

Yet another lead-footed Boston sports legend from the ’70s, major league sports’ most anonymous trophy and the Greyhound of the skies. Fun. The best part: The trophy’s celebrated return to Boston will come in … New Hampshire.

What’s next? Rick Robey parachuting down from the C’s arena rafters with the game ball?

The great thing about my new “Brog” is I get to write about plenty of stuff that no one outside of the (816) cares about. Like:

Jason Whitlock devoting an entire column to Kansas City sports rad … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

• The KANSAS CITY STAR reporting the stunning news that the NBA won’t be moving a team to the city’s brand-new Sprint Center (the Johnson County Association Of Whites just won’t have it - hello NHL!).

As a devoted Man City fan, I take great delight in reporting that Cristiano Ronaldo was so excited about winning Champions League with Man Utd that he’s ready to jump to Real Madrid.

You’ll be happy to know that after the World Cup is moved to the USA at the last second goes off in South Africa in 2010 and Brazil in 2014, the next shot for the USA to host it will be when I turn 30 (2022).

The LONDON GUARDIAN reports with glee:

Fifa vice-president Jack Warner will try to persuade the US to mount a bid to host the 2022 World Cup and leave the field open for England’s bid to host the 2018 tournament.

Warner, the president of Concacaf which covers North and Central America and the Caribbean and has three of the 24 votes in the bidding process, is broadly supportive of England’s bid but admits it would be “political suicide” for him not to back a US campaign first.

Warner also added that he thinks England should tap into the “celebrity of David Beckham” to help the Brits land the 2018 WC hosting gig.

Background: Warner is from Trinidad, which until 1962 was part of the British Empire, and was recently awarded a friendly, home match against England.

So with all that out there, it’s nice to know that the man representing America’s soccer interests around the globe has our best interests at heart (and backstage passes for the next Spice Girls tour!).

Bad news for the Braves today, with John Smoltz going down. So to cheer up Atlanta fans, here’s video of Chipper Jones getting a little mixed up last night:

Chipper Jones confused

Last time we saw a switch-hitter that confused, he was married to Star Jones.