Brog: I Won’t Be Winging It From Miami To SoCal

Since I’ve gotten back from shooting the SbB Girls in the Virgin Islands, I’ve gained something approaching 10 lbs. in 10 days. The reason? I’m now eating like the girls did on the trip (25 meals per day). One problem with that: I don’t have a hummingbird metabolism.

Hooters and Wings

(Forget the wings, I’m driving from MIA-to-LAX damn)

Now that I’m looking like Mike Golic post Nutri-System sloppy, I’ve remembered the first rule for losing weight: REMOVE ALL FOOD FROM YOUR RESIDENCE.

Hillary Hooters And Wings

(Can I wing a stowaway tho?)

Anything that’s in my house will always get eaten. Yeah, that concept isn’t all that unique. Except when it’s all consumed within 24 hours of purchase.

I’ve decided to try to move to L.A. as soon as possible. Like, now. So I’ll probably be driving from Miami to California beginning as soon as this weekend. That of course, presents a massive problem when you’re trying to watch your figure.

Portillos Hot Italian Beef Injections

(Sad: My vehicle fuel system yet to account for hot, italian beef injections)

Unlike most of my cross-country jaunts, I won’t be mapquesting all the Chick-Fil-A’s on the route. Nor Whataburgers and Taco Cabanas for the lovely, six-day drive through Texas. Instead, it’ll likely be one stop-off at Cracker Barrel per day.

Ever notice how Cracker Barrel makes you pay at the register? Wonder if that has anything to do with the mountains of crap they want you to buy in the lobby. Not to mention that postmeal 45-lb fudge purchase they try to rope you into while waiting for your credit card receipt.

SbB GIrl Denise with Shrimp - MUST RESIST

(MUST RESIST (the shrimp, too))

So I’ll really have to discipline myself while patronizing that interstate-based epicurean delight. Even if it means occupying myself with one of those maddening, golf-tee table games while waiting to sign off on my regrettable chicken dumplings takeout purchase.

I am planning on bringing my handy cam on the road - and posting about my travels (tales from the nickel slots at Louisiana truck stops are always a sure hit).

SbB Girls at Cracker Barrel

(Well that certainly brightens up an anonymous interstate exit)

The last time I made the LAX-MIA drive, I had an internet-enabled laptop plugged into the cigarette lighter (extremely safe). I then connected the computer audio to the car stereo and voila - I was listening to Colin Cowherd spin his latest yarn about the Wegmanns’ salad bar while I sped through the backwoods of the Louisiana bayou (look, on the right, Glenn Dorsey’s shanty!).

Maybe the laptop thing isn’t such a good idea this time.

Have you been following ESPN’s Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside an Enigma? That is, Bill Simmons?

According to DEADSPIN, Simmons recently started a personal blog to voice his dissatisfaction about writing for ESPN.com. Simmons has claimed publicly on more than one occasion now that ESPN.com editors harm his work by removing his best witticisms.

I’ve also heard myself from WWL insiders that Simmons’ work has been savaged on occasion by PC-impaired editors.

So how long will ESPN put up with Simmons’ sidearmed attacks - which seem to be gaining momentum with every blog link? Not much longer, if history is our guide.

Dan Patrick, perhaps the most marketable name at the network, was gently nudged out after making contract demands that Bristol suits found unreasonable (wot, A RAISE?).

So I wouldn’t be surprised if Simmons ends up with a (mutual) buyout before 2009 drops.

If that happens, what will Simmons do? Probably what he’s doing now - with a lot less distribution. Ask Patrick about that.

I’m sure Simmons will also be more heavily involved in movie and TV projects, but it’s clear he wants to be at least a quasi-celebrity, and knocking out copy for the next Adrian Grenier vehicle isn’t the best way to keep your name on the major nets, and off Spike TV treatments.

If Simmons wants to remain in the public eye, he’d do well to keep his grievances in-house.

Alas, it may be too late.

Celts-Lakes drop tonight, and damned if I know where I’ll watch it here in SoBe. This is when I really miss Lipstick City.

For those of you in SoCal wondering where to take in the games, there’s only one place I’ll advise you to AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Actually, I take that back. If you’re a big fan of Ben Affleck’s last five films, the unceasingly sophisticated wit of Jimmy Fallon, and drunk, geriatric wretches who’re knee-deep into the Cutty before noon, then you’ll love the dump joint!

Everyone is digging up Dick “Count Chocula” Stockton this week to talk about the rivalry in the ’80s.

Dick Stockton as Count Chocula

I imagine that if you were wondering before this week why he’s no longer doing the games, you aren’t now. He makes Mike Breen sound like the current Dos Equis pitchman.

Here’s the current song playlist for the Boston Garden - gleefully published by the BOSTON GLOBE this week.

Boston Celtics Vomit Mix

(UNFAIR! Clear proof homestanding Celts to easily coast to 2-0 series lead)

I had the Lakers stealing a game on the road to open the series in The Bean, but after seeing that litany of mind-numbing dreck, I’m not so sure Kobe & Co. will recover to be greeted by a bloated, unkempt Randy Newman in time to tip Game 3.

Do we ever have the perfect endorsement for Bill Parcells!

Bluetooth hearing aid

I vote “neither“.

Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder purchased all-sports WTEM-AM this week. The WASHINGTON TIMES notes that “every all-sports station in the DC area is under the control of the team, and that troubled some industry observers who worried about censorship of outspoken hosts.

Ya think?

Snyder no doubt overpaid for the station, and expects to get little to no return for his investment (sound familiar ‘Skins fans?). The move is all about control. Controlling what people say over the local airwaves about Snyder’s perennially underachieving NFL franchise.

Leonard Shapiro of the WASHINGTON POST: “You think (WTEM hosts) Brian Mitchell and Doc Walker will be long for this world on WTEM once Red Zebra starts signing the checks?”

Actually we do. For awhile. Then much like Vladimir Putin, Snyder will slowly off dissenting voices. Slowly, innocently. Until there are none left.

Finally, Will Leitch announced today on DEADSPIN that he is departing the site for an editing gig at NEW YORK magazine.

Leitch’s been a real inspiration to what we do over here. He set the standard for sports blogs, and I’m sure A.J. and Rick will keep things rolling.