See that fine-looking young lady down there? Of course you do, you stared at her for a good 20 seconds before you even started reading the article. Anyway, that lovely young lass is Danielle Lloyd, she’s a 24-year-old ex-Miss England, now she’s (obviously) a model, and she’s had more soccer balls fly at her than Kasey Keller.

(How do you spell sport relief? D-A-N-I-E-L-L-E.)

Lloyd’s latest conquest is Liverpool’s Ryan Babel, a 21-year-old striker. Yeah, I haven’t heard of him either. He would be the sixth soccer player Dani has been linked with, which NEWS OF THE WORLD helpfully details for us after the break:

Good Jesus, she even did it with a ginger kid. Hands off! Radioactive!

Danielle’s latest dalliance was allegedly in response to infidelity by her current boyfriend, the very unfortunately-named DJ Ironik. What, are his turntables old Victrolas or something? Does he stand there and refuse to mix? Whatever, it’s a stupid name and now his girl’s getting filled up by another athlete.

According to the source that leaked this story to NEWS OF THE WORLD (aside: do you think Dani’s okay with having this stuff sent to newspapers? legitimate question.), she wasn’t wasting time about it, either:

“They’d obviously planned to get together because Danielle was hanging around the hotel bar with all of us waiting for something to happen.

“She looked a bit nervous and was necking back the champagne.

“Then when Ryan turned up, they disappeared off to his room straight away.”

How ribald! The rest of the article’s got some good one-liners, like “She’s had enough talent through her hands to man a five-a-side squad, with a spare on the bench in case of unforeseen injury, like groin strain.”

Now if you don’t mind me, I’m going to buy a Chelsea jersey and a ticket to London. You gotta think I can at least get an HJ out of her for my troubles, right?