Brett Myers Thinks His 4-Year-Old Kid Is Superman

Give athletes this: with enough time and opportunity, they can figure out incredible ways to get injured. True, nothing’s going to top John Smoltz trying to iron a shirt while he was wearing it. Or Clint Barmes trying to carry too much deer meat up a flight of stairs and breaking his collarbone. But Phillies pitcher Brett Myers would like to toss his hat into the ring.

Brett Myers fist pump
(Myers, seconds before clocking himself in the eye socket. Hey, that story makes as much sense as anything else in this one.)

Or his kid’s hat, anyway. Myers showed up to a rehab start with an injured eye, the whole thing basically swollen shut. For whatever reason, Myers decided that the only logical thing to tell the team was that he had hurt it after his 4-year-old son Kolt threw a baseball at him. No, really, that was his excuse.

Not surprisingly, he has already amended his story. According to the PHILLED IN blog, surprisingly enough, a toddler with a baseball didn’t wreck Myers’ face:

So, Brett Myers won’t pitch tonight at Class A Clearwater, after all, because he was hit in the eye by a baseball while playing catch with his 4-year-old son Kolt. No word yet on the severity of the injury, but according to a team spokesman, more details will be forthcoming today from Ruben Amaro Jr.

(Updated, 3:45 p.m.): OK, here’s a Myers update, and the story keeps getting stranger. According to Amaro, through a team spokesman, Myers initially misinformed the Phillies about the cause of his injury. According to the spokesman, Myers slipped getting out of his truck last night, hit his face and suffered significant swelling around his eye. He’s icing it today and will see the Phillies’ medical staff in Clearwater tomorrow.

Okay, yes, that sounds a little better. But what did he slip on? It’s Clearwater, Florida. In August. We’re pretty sure the ice isn’t exactly “taking” down there just yet.

Also, the truck story sounds innocuous enough - which is why we’re also calling BS on that. Why, why would Brett Myers try to cover that story up by making up something preposterous about his toddler son? A 4-year-old couldn’t give a grown man a black eye without a pair of steel-toed boots and 10 free minutes to kick away. Not that we’ve done studies. You can’t prove anything.

And really, he slipped and fell out of his truck and fell onto his… eye? What are the odds on that one? You know what has a more natural inclination of hitting someone in the eye? Someone else’s fist. Especially if the two people are exchanging angry words. And lest we remind you, Myers has a bit of history of being on the giving side of that equation. Just sayin’.

This is all speculation, of course, and we hardly have proof that anything other than the most inopportune truck-dismount in recorded history happened to Myers. His story, however, is all sorts of suspicious and no sort of sensical.