BREAKING: Shaquille O’Neal Admits Using PECs

Let’s face it, we sports experts claim to have an eagle’s eye when it comes to spotting chemical cheaters among pro athletes, but honestly, do we? Sure, we sniffed out Barry Bonds, but we always held up Manny and A-Rod as the “clean” guys by comparison. Whoops. And for some reason, we’re ignoring the 330-pound elephant in the room.

Shaq Flex
(Shaq with the Magic. If only those muscles came from magic and not CHEATING.)

That elephant is Shaquille O’Neal, who in his prime was built like Karl Malone, but as tall as Mark Eaton, and as nimble as Hakeem Olajuwon. Is he the ultimate freak of nature, like we’d always assumed, or is there something more sinister afoot? Sadly, if what Shaq told Atlanta’s 790 THE ZONE (via a somber BALL DON’T LIE) is even halfway true, the NBA is losing its biggest personality to scandal.

A full transcript of his detailed admission follows after the jump.

“I’ve told the world before, only thing I had was Frosted Flakes: Super Enhancement Cereal. That’s the only thing I’ve put in my body. Frosted Flakes Athletic Performance Enhancement Cereal. They ain’t even out yet …

For all the little kids, the Performance Enhancement Cereal is you take the Frosted Flakes, and you take the Froot Loops, and you mix them together, and then you get some of them sliced bananas and you put them on that thing, and then you get a big old bowl … 

The kind of bowl if you pull out your mother say, ‘Boy, you better put that bowl back!’  And, then you pour that milk … ‘You better get a job eating all that milk.’ ‘Mama, we ain’t got no milk.’ ‘Well, you better put some water on that boy!”

We, like most Americans, are speechless. Not only has Shaq admitted to use, but the following further transgressions:

  1. overuse, as evidenced by his mother’s admonition about the size of the bowl;
  2. combining PECs in a manner that “[hasn’t been released] yet,” indicating a dangerous, untested PEC cocktail that could lead to disaster;
  3. substituting water for milk, again a dangerous substitution of ingredients that’s not recommended by any licensed PEC manufacturer, such as BALCO or General Mills.

As VIBs (very important bloggers), it is only our job to record a first draft of history, not to litigate or prosecute perceived misdeeds. That’s for the American justice system. But it’s safe to say the court of public opinion has already judged Shaq guilty, and all the spoils of a longtime champion’s career, from his records to his Hall of Fame eligibility, are now in a grrrrrrreat! deal of danger.