Brandon Marshall Travels Through World History

August 26, 2009. Denver, Colorado. Broncos training camp:

Denver Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall puts up the most half-hearted attempt at competition in recent sporting history at a Broncos training camp practice. His total lack of effort makes Richie Tenenbaum look like the Tasmanian Devil on crack cocaine. It also accomplishes the unusual task of forcing the team to suspend the receiver for insubordination, and any casual observer of the footage would agree that coach Josh McDaniels had no choice but to do so.

Brandon Marshall Doesn't Stop John Wilkes Booth

Unbeknownst to Marshall, Broncos team doctors are also mad scientists, and during practice the men were perfecting the chronomorphotron, which allows for travel backwards and forwards through time. Like you didn’t already know that. So after being sent off the field by coaches, Marshall wanders through a curiously empty locker room. He’s angry and looking for things to hit. He sees one stall with a closed door - most don’t even have doors - and the nameplate of a teammate he doesn’t recognize: “T. Machine.” He opens it, looking for things to throw. He finds a whole new world.

Inside the stall are dials, buttons, gadgets and gauges. Most importantly, there’s a panel on the inside of the door with date, latitude, and longitude. Marshall, thinking they’re sports scores or something, randomly tweaks everything in site before hitting “SEND.” This is his journey.

September 26, 1960. Chicago, Illinois. WBBM-TV:

Brandon Marshall Debates John Kennedy

Marshall briefly inhabits the body of presidential candidate Richard Nixon, who held a slight edge in the presidential election over Democratic rival John Kennedy. As television technology was still in its infancy compared to today, the 70-80 million Americans watching couldn’t tell that a large, angry black man in a full football uniform had taken Nixon’s place. They’d barely have been able to recognize it anyway.

Once inside Nixon’s body, Marshall grows bored of listening to Kennedy speak for more than 5 seconds at a time and begins throwing pocket change at his rival, who keeps his cool and doesn’t break stride in his answer. While not apparent on radio, the sophomoric act turns off television viewers and swings the election to Kennedy. America has yet to recover.

March 1, 1932. Hopewell, New Jersey. A random house:

Open Window

Out of that debacle, Marshall wanders the town of Hopewell, looking for more excitement. He doesn’t find much, as it’s a sleepy little town and it’s night time. Plus, with Prohibition, there’s not a drop to be found for an African-American in unfamiliar garb. Marshall is bored.

He sees a large house and makes his way there. Rather than knock on the door, he goes around to the side, hoping to find a dog to play with. He doesn’t find a dog, but he does find an open window with a baby nearby. Using his extraordinary receiving abilities, he leaps and snatches the baby from its crib with one hand, then sprints down the middle of the yard. Nobody would have caught him if they even knew he was there.

The baby begins crying, though, and Marshall quickly tires of the prank. Stealing a baby is like the ballinest thing you can do, but keeping one is a pain in the ass. He imagines an end zone, crosses the “goal line” with ease, and spikes the baby in celebration. It stops crying immediately.

Unfortunately, that little bundle of joy happened to be the Lindbergh baby, and the controversy of its disappearance (and unfortunate discovery months later) wracked the country with grief. America has yet to recover.

April 14, 1865. Washington D.C. Ford’s Theater:

Brandon Marshall Doesn't Stop John Wilkes Booth

Security detail for President Abraham Lincoln. You probably already know how that ended up. America, of course, has yet to recover.