Bonjour, Les Enfants! Tony Parker In French ‘Toon

It’s getting to the point where Tony Parker is famous for just being Tony Parker. Oh, not in America, mind you; here, he’s little more than just another point guard, albeit a pretty good one. No, France is where Parker really shines, being a native and all. There, he and Eva Longoria are famous enough that their mere presence, their existence, is a big deal. Did you know he’s a rapper there? Did you know he sucks at it? Did you know that it doesn’t matter to France that he sucks?

Eva Longoria Tony Parker Wedding France
(He’s such a big deal that he just puts the name of the country on his shirt and they go wild. This has got to stop.)

So now that Parker can do basically whatever he wants and get even more popular as a result, the logical endgame is a medium that requires neither talent nor makeup: children’s television! It’s about a bunch of kids in America, and you’ll just never guess what sport they and Tony are playing.

From France’s PREMIER.FR, Parker’s lined up for a cartoon, starting in 2011 (pardon our translation skills):

Tony Parker, the husband of Eva Longoria, soon the hero of a cartoon!

This cartoon, constituted of 26 episodes of 24 minutes, follows the adventures of five kids and their coach, Tony Parker himself, engaged in a street basketball tournament across the North American continent. It should be here by 2011 on M6 [NOTE: we’re guessing that’s a TV channel over there]. Eva Longoria will make an appearance on it.

Great. So Tony can teach the kids the usual lessons about sports that people already know (work hard! practice! don’t punch your opponent in his stupid face!), and then Eva can pop in and show people how important it is to be pretty and do actressing or something.

We’re also a little worried that this cartoon takes place stateside. We’re not worried that the French are going to have some opinions about the US or anything; we already know they hate our guts for being awesome. No, the real worry here is that if the French people like it (and they will; just to reiterate, they love Tony Parker just for breathing at this point), whoever’s in charge of production will try to port it stateside and just dub over the voices. Tony and Eva don’t even need to be replaced.

And then our kids will want to watch this sports cartoon, only to get 10 minutes in and wonder, “Why the hell am I watching Tony Parker? He’s barely in my top 50 favorite NBA players!” Then they get upset and cry, and god, kids are annoying when they cry. It’s usually over the dumbest stuff in the world, too. Do not do this to us, France. We do not deserve pissy kids who want a good basketball player in their cartoons and are stuck with Tony Parker.