Bode Miller Putting Winery On His Farm. Well, Duh

As we all well know, a full 80% of SbB’s readership are dope boys and crack pushers [The previous statement is obviously false. The author went through a “rap phase” when he was 18 and every now and then, this type of stuff comes out. Our apologies.–ed], and as all pushers know, the NUMBER ONE RULE of dealing drugs is you don’t get high on your own supply. Everyone knows that.

Bode Miller with his wine
(Wine, fennel salt, and Megadeth. Sounds like all the ingredients for a helluva Tuesday.)

We get the feeling, though, that Bode Miller doesn’t have that discipline in mind. No, he’s not selling cocaine or anything like that, but considering his reputation as Mr. Party Boy (no, not him), his latest plans to start a winery seem a little transparent.

Miller revealed the news in his “diary” (really? can’t call it a blog?) on NBC UNIVERSAL SPORTS:

I’m going up to New Hampshire to meet up with some guys from Trentino, Italy to talk about converting part of my farm into a winery. I have an organic produce operation up there now that I’d like to expand with the wine. I’m going to talk to the guys about developing a partnership so I can start growing my own grapes and eventually start selling wine in Europe. It will be nice to have the farm function without me having to put a lot of money into it each year.

Yeah, okay. You can say “sell it in Europe” all you want, Mr. Miller, but all we’re hearing is “GET IN MY BELLY!”

Like, if a really fat person announced that they were getting into the business of making cookies, you know they’d be skimming off packages at a time. It’d be obvious. So pardon our skepticism here.

And if you’re thinking, “New Hampshire… is that wine country?” The answer is, of course, “no, not really.” Grapevines survive in New Hampshire about as well as David Duke would in Harlem. So the wineries in New Hampshire - yes, amazingly, there’s 12 of them - make things like apple wine and mead. Mmmmm!

For an insight into how well-organized the winery operation is in New Hampshire, here’s an excerpt from the New Hampshire Winery Association website:

Most widely used fruits

Prominent feature of grapes:  Many varieties, high quality

Prominent trellising method: Verticle shoot positioning

Always a good sign when your winery association isn’t sure if apples are a fruit and think their grapes’ best quality is that they’re high quality. Also, that they can’t spell “vertical.”

So yes, we’re just sure Miller’s hitching his wagon to this highly successful business of New Hampshire winin’. In no way would we ever think he’s just figured out a legal way to do some moonshinin’ in his spacious backyard and is now jumping and shooting handguns off into their air in celebration. No, this is definitely all legit business.