An IRS seminar held in the MGM Grand last week (!) somehow turned topics to legalizing sports books across the nation. We’re fairly certain IRS employees don’t set this policy, so it seems an odd time to bring up the topic. Still, it’s nice to have a totally unbiased discussion about taxable income, allocation of government resources, and legalized gambling in a casino with IRS officials.

(If you want to legalize gambling, talk to Senator Geary)

However, that wasn’t the part that struck us the most about this get-together. Noted sports book gambling expert Arne Lang felt the worst effect of legalized gambling wouldn’t be an increase in crime, poverty, or short-sighted government cash grabs that generally weaken surrounding economies.

Nope; Arne Lang worries that more people will be mean to athletes on the Internet if gambling was legalized across the nation. We’re trying the best we can, Arne! We can only snark so quickly!

And, as is appropriate for a Vegas story, here’s your money quote:

“Lang did have a distinctly modern-day reservation, though: More sports bettors across the country losing more bets could lead to an increase in the number of “knuckleheads” spewing vitriol on the Internet — like the guy who wrote after the Kentucky Derby that if we’re going to euthanize second-place finishers, we should start with the University of Memphis basketball team.

Now that, Lang said, sounds suspiciously like someone who lost a bet and is still bitter about it.

“That’s what bothers me,” Lang said. “When an athlete makes a bad play at a crucial time, there are people who attack them anonymously on the Internet. You would probably get more of that if there was widespread legalization of sports betting.”

Euthanize the University of Memphis. That’s pretty funny. erm. We mean… how rude!

Don’t you see, people? We could have had legalized gambling in America, but then DARPA had to go and create the Internet and ruin it for all of us. We can’t have people ruthlessly mocking athletes without repercussions on the Internet. That’s what sports talk radio, letters to the editor, and shouting mindless obscenities at athletes from the stands are for.

There’s only one action left to take. We must shut down the Internet immediately. Then we must go to Congress and show them we’re willing to make the effort to have legalized gambling and can we finally lay +140 on Henman at the bar down the street? Pretty please, Daddy Congress? We’ll be good, even if that miserable prick couldn’t backhand a pros…

… sorry, Daddy Congress. It’s the Internet’s fault. We’ll close it down now.