Bike-Riding Teen Sexer Gets Four Years In Jail

You may remember last January, when Scott wrote about the Olympian bicycling efforts of a Havre de Grace, Md. man who just had to have sex with a 15-year-old. In the process, he cycled 180 miles to Scranton, slept in a park and at the town’s baseball field, and had sex with the teen on the same field.

lance armstrong tour de france

(Note: Photo is not actually William Wagner, but is a man who likes girls more than 10-years his junior and bike rides of longer than 100 miles.)

Well, now he finally knows his fate: For the next four years, if he has any sex it will be with someone with similar genitalia, after  26-year-old William Wagner was sentenced to those four years in prison for his sexual assault via statutory rape.

Of all the collasal errors of judgment this has to be near the top of the list. Not only did Wagner bike 180 miles — 180 miles!!! — for sex with a 15-year-old (which is a crime there’s approximately a 2 percent chance he might possibly get away with), he had live in destitution in Scranton for two days. Scranton! A town so beset with general malaise and depression that The Office found it a fitting site for a business park-lampooning sitcom.

Heck, if it weren’t for the baby Penguins and Yankees, Scranton would have exactly zero attractive aspects. Zero.

What could have possibly made Wagner think this was going to work out for him? It’s not like there’s any role model who cycles for periods of more than 100 miles and then has sex with women who are more than 10 years younger than him, is there? That’s never happened before.

Oh wait, that Lance Armstrong guy. Right. And that’s working out for him? Well, just forget it then. Sorry Wagner, not your lifetime man.

“It was a peculiar set of circumstances, including that he rode his bike to meet her,” said Deputy District Attorney Michelle Olshefski. “I think the sentence is very fitting. He acknowledged that he knew her age and what he did was wrong.”

Well, at least Wagner knows that he’ll be out in four years, and then on the convicted sex offender registry for the next 10. By the time that sentence all plays out, he’ll be 40, and the age gap he was shooting for will make his ideal mates 29. Suddenly, that’s an incredibly achieveable goal for a legitimate businessman. Just shoot high and go for b-school on your release. It’ll all work out.