If you’d rather catch up on your laundry and clean out the cat box than see Terrell Owens primping in the ladies room, listen to Kevin Costner sing for an hour, rub elbows with the owner of the L.A. Clippers, and hear about Chris Berman flying on private planes, I have great news.

(Apparently this gentleman (left) caught up on his laundry before last weekend)

Arash Markazi of SPORTS ILLUSTRATED has the 411 on all the Super Bowl parties last week worth avoiding. In other words, he has the 411 on all the Super Bowl parties.

Highlights:

• Marquis Jet Party:

Chris Berman presided over the festivities, which meant they kept a half-dozen dry, pressed Hawaiian shirts under the bar for quick changes every quarter hour.

Markazi notes that during the party, Berman told partygoers that he “has been flying on private planes for the past five years.”

Berman now doesn’t fly commercial? I wonder if an eyewitness noting that he picked his nose (and ate it) while flying commercial has anything to do with it.

More highlights after the jump.

• Maxim Party:

Maxim’s party was a shell of its previous over-the-top soirees where they would overtake a swanky hotel, give it a creative theme and stage a big live musical act. Held at The Ritz Ybor, an aging dancehall in the middle of Ybor City (think of a tamer version of Bourbon Street), Maxim’s party was an eclectic mix of reality show personalities, retirees, has-beens and never-weres.

(Did they at least invite the Packers Bikini Girls?)

Dear Maxim: 1991 called, they want their magazine back.

• Leigh Steinberg Party:

Somehow Markazi avoids the obligatory DUI and public drunkenness mentions. Wish I was that classy.

Saturday Night Spectacular:

While Costner’s singing was reminiscent of a karaoke night gone bad, the atmosphere at the party was more like a business function than a party with most of the middle-aged attendees dressed in suits and gowns. The arrival of Jimmie Johnson and Nick Lachey towards the end of the party helped to lower the average age of the crowd a bit, but no one’s arrival was going to help the fact that Clippers owner Donald Sterling decided to make a rare public appearance for this party and as we know anything Sterling touches is bound to fail.

(All proceeds from Kevin’s show goes to the Save Rosenblatt Foundation)

Actually, this now-restored passage had been excised from original manuscript of Dante’s Inferno.

• Moves Magazine Party:

You learn something everyday and the one thing that could be taken from the Moves magazine party is that Jared Fogel from Subway has plenty of juice when it comes to parties with people he’s done ads with. Fogel was not only in the VIP balcony with Bush and Strahan but he was chatting up and taking pictures with their girlfriends.

“Jared’s great,” said (Kim) Kardashian.

(Who knew Jared and Kardashian had so much in common? Cool!)

Makes sense, since Kim K. and Jared have something else in common: secret porn collections.

• Madden Bowl XV:

While the line for the men’s restroom grew longer than his liking he snuck into the ladies room while his bodyguard was at the door. When he was done, T.O. was fixing himself up in front of the ladies room mirror, trying to recruit a quartet of girls to come with him to the Hard Rock.

(T.O. is so disappointed SB reporter Ines Sainz never showed up)

Now, we’ve all seen girls crash the men’s room in that situation. (And no one’s complaining!) But a *man* crashing the ladies room?

Then again, after watching the Cowboys last regular season game against the Eagles, maybe T.O. made the right call after all.

• ESPN The Magazine Party:

One of the complaints the ESPN party had in years past was too many guys and not enough women, which they addressed by bringing in nearly 300 scantily clad women which balanced the ratio thrown out of whack by the Around The Horn crew.

(Or Erin Andrews showing up in this ensemble would have worked, too)

What, is Markazi implying that the ladies don’t show up in droves for mild stroke-sufferer Woody Paige?

Case you’re wondering, there was no Playboy party this year. While the company can blame the economy for dropping out, it’s more likely because the publishing icon is about to be sold in short order, which may mean zero Hef-hosted shindigs in the future.

Sad, as it’s always fun seeing Pauly Shore, Bill Maher and Jon Lovitz at the Super Bowl.

So, think I’ll get some invites next year? (Only if Chick-Fil-A does it up big at the Ramada!)