Bears WR Blatantly Using Performance Enhancers

As much publicity as things like anabolic steroids and HGH have gotten in recent years, the dark truth of professional sports is that performance-enhancing substances take many, evil forms. The fact of the matter is that marginal prospects will do anything to hang onto the gravy train that is a pro athlete lifestyle; it sure as hell beats going to the drugstore to sell Flair pens every morning.

Devin Aromashodu

The desperate athlete is a dangerous creature indeed; he cares not for his reputation or well-being. Sadly, a shameful example of this sort of despicable behavior has come to light in the otherwise Utopian city of Chicago. End-o’-the-roster Bears WR Devin Aromashodu (Gesundheit!), who is currently trying to avoid being the odd man out amongst the six WRs currently on the team, has attempted to gain an unfair advantage over his peers. The details are shocking and horrifying, and are therefore hidden after the jump.

He went to Jared brought his coaches flowers!


Yes, really. According to NBCCHICAGO.COM, Aromashodu (Gesundheit!) sent flowers to the entire Bears coaching staff, “to keep me in mind.” Disgusting. This goes against the entire meritocracy that this great nation is predicated upon. Today you’re trying to get an edge with a dozen roses - tomorrow, you’re in a bathroom stall with Jose Canseco getting your daily ass-shot of Winstrol. There might be no crying in baseball, but there’s no gifting in football. Just ain’t manly. I mean, what’s next? We took the liberty of looking in our SbB-brand Crystal Ball to find out where this disturbing trend is heading:

Boxing Gloves

Boxing gloves

 Darius Heyward-Bey to Tom Cable

 A Gazelle


Mark Sanchez to Rex Ryan

Headache relief


Chad Ochocinco to Marvin Lewis

And so on and so forth.