Safety equipment just gets in the way of an athlete’s jet-set lifestyle. Even Larry Bowa, former shortstop and full-time curmudgeon, hates having to wear a helmet as third base coach because he finds wearing a plastic hat “cumbersome“. Having problems getting that last signal off with the helmet in the way, coach? Know what I mean?

(Julio Franco takes one in the team)

After Felix Pie’s rather disturbing bout with testicular torsion, though, would it be safe to assume that every player lightly raps on his protective cup after every inning to make sure the family jewels are under full lockdown? Maybe assign a bodyguard to sacrifice his body by throwing himself in front of a ball aimed at the groin? Of course not; many players still don’t even wear a cup.

Adrian Beltre, Yuniesky Betancourt, and Jake Peavy admitted to the AP that they don’t wear any protective gear betwixt belt and stirrups. Apparently, cramming a small plate down between one’s legs cramps one’s style, but having surgery like Pie’s that “involves sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall” doesn’t slow anyone down.

Peavy reasoned thusly:

“Yeah, I know, I don’t wear a cup. Guess I have to start wearing one,” said Peavy, a 26-year-old father of two young boys, ages 6 and 3. “But, hey, I’m done having kids.”

That’s a ballsy move, especially after he was nailed in the manological region last week by a batted ball. Are you done walking upright, too? Can we pencil you in as the successor to John Kruk jokes? Does your wife know about your unique vasectomy techniques?

Beltre stands at third base every game and depends on his glove as the only line of defense against decades of phantom pains where the right testicle used to be. However, he feels so strongly about free range testicles that he let the Dodgers fine him repeatedly before they gave up.

Beltre and Betancourt can consider themselves blessed to have Ichiro Suzuki on their own team. However, considering Ichiro’s uncanny ability to aim a baseball with his bat, Peavy might want to skip the remaining spring training games against the Mariners or else prepare to be the first pitcher to give up a ground-rule double off his crotch.