I’m guessing that over the next few weeks we’re going to learn a lot of things about baseball’s home run king, Barry Bonds. As he goes through his trial on perjury charges there will no doubt be a lot of information coming out about Bonds’ alleged steroid use while playing baseball. Whether or not we’ll learn about any mystery cousins, or hear about Barry being “young and stupid” at the age of 35 remains to be seen.
(Exhibit A of Barry’s bantam balls)
There is one thing, however, that Barry’s attorneys are hoping we won’t hear anything about, and for the most part I appreciate their quest. Bonds’ attorneys filed a motion on Wednesday that they hope will keep the topic of Barry’s shriveled or shrunken testicles from becoming evidence at the trial. Yes, you read that right. Continue to read about Barry’s boys after the jump.
Attorneys for the former slugger charged that one of the government’s expert witnesses on steroids, Larry Bowers, while the senior managing director of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency and an accomplished chemist, “is not even a medical doctor” and “does not claim to have treated, let alone examined a single individual who was known or suspected of using steroids or HGH.”
As to allegations about Bonds’ testicles, the defense claimed a failure of proof. Alleging that Bonds’ former mistress Kimberly Bell had pressed a legal claim against the slugger and shopped a book about their relationship, Ruby noted that no medical evidence had been introduced to support her claim to “have noticed that Mr. Bonds’ testicles became smaller.”
Visual inspection apparently won’t do. Ruby noted that a “layperson” would have difficulty detecting diminished testicles “even by touch.”
The only reliable means of measurement, Ruby wrote, is by a “trained examiner” using a special device called an orchidometer.
So there is actually somebody out there who went through years of school to learn how to measure the size of testicles?
Of course, it’s not just Barry’s balls that are being kicked around as evidence, as his lawyers are also trying to keep his male pattern baldness, oversized cranium, and mood swings from becoming the subject of testimony. After all, every single one of those things is a side effect of steroid use, and we can’t have evidence in a courtroom.