Baron Davis Would Like His “Private Images” Back

If there’s one thing an experienced male laptop owner knows, it’s to keep nothing sensitive on the laptop, should it fall into the wrong hands. Sure, that might mean credit cards or something, but since we’re talking about men, we’re talking about porno. The last thing you want is some stranger digging through and finding that really weird porno where nobody’s speaking English and the chicks are more, um, adventuresome.

Baron Davis' bullet fedora
(Who could imagine that a guy who puts bullets in his hat would get involved with unsavory characters?)

But we digress. A lot. Anyway, the Clippers’ Baron Davis, seen above with the most gangsta of fedoras ever, recently lost his laptop. That’s never a good development. In his police report, among the content of the laptop are “private images” of Baron and his “associates and colleagues.” Would those associates and colleagues be, um, naked women? Could be. Could also be something a little more damaging - even life-threatening.

As THE SMOKING GUN reports, Davis’ associates and colleagues might be some of the most dangerous men in Los Angeles:

The photos and videos “depict, among other things, a variety of private images of our client, his associates and his colleagues,” wrote lawyer William J. Briggs, II. Davis “had a reasonable expectation of enjoying total privacy with regard to the images,” Briggs added. The 30-year-old Davis, who earns about $12 million annually, recently produced “Crips and Bloods,” a documentary about the nation’s most notorious street gangs.

Aha. Gang members are, for whatever reason, skittish about having their faces published. Or even seen, really.

Compounding matters is the fact that Davis has set himself up for a career off the court. Granted, there’s some co-mingling he probably had to do with gang members to make his movie, but his image doesn’t need pictures released of him holding up a blunt with the most unsavory of characters. All pure speculation about the content of his laptop, of course, but considering the near-frantic nature of the letter sent from his legal representation to media outlets, warning them about the stolen and copyrighted status of the media, something must be damaging on that laptop.

But why stop the reckless, unfounded speculation there? Let’s do more! Is Baron Davis killing a guy somewhere in that list? Probably!* Is he killing puppies with a flame-thrower out of sheer boredom? It’s likely!** Why, he’s probably covered in prostitutes and superdrugs like COKE POT!*** Oh, that’s so Baron.

*Probably not, say our lawyers.
**It’s not likely at all.
***Please don’t sue us.