Awful truth Out about Eva And Tony .. or is it?

She said, he said has ensued since Eva Longoria false-started her divorce proceeding with Tony Parker this week.

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria

Who is telling the truth? If you read Ted Casablanca’s “Blind Vice” feature at EOnline, perhaps neither.

Easily offended? Stop reading.

For the rest of you, right this way …

First, here’s Casablanca’s straight take yesterday on the news of the Longoria-Parker separation:

Were we naive to think the couple that Viced together stayed together?

Probably.

See, the basketballer and his hardly desperate housewife teamed up for one of our fave Vices. Eva even landed herself a spot in our prestigious Blind Vice Superstars gallery—an honor, of course. And yet, for all their sexy secrets, the two seemed, dare we say…happy.

For the most part, at least, which is why we hoped the trouble in paradise was just a rumor.

We hate that another perfect couple—trust, these two are a match made in Hollyweird heaven—are about to go kaput.

The “Blind Vice” to which Casablanca refers is a regular blind item that he posts at EOnline.com that features accounts of the secret and sometimes *alternative* sexual lifestyles of celebrities - without revealing their names.

The website also occasionally updates its “Blind Vice Gallery” with certain celebs that confirms that person has appeared in one of the previous EOnline.com blind items.

Three months ago, Longoria was one of five folks added to the small gallery of 30 photos, confirming that she had appeared in one of Casablanca’s previous Blind Vice entries.

On Feb. 5, 2010, Casablanca posted the following from a “Blind Vice” entry at EOnline.com titled,”Celeb Swingers Get It On!

Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are as horny as they are famous—just don’t think they’re so hot for each other, that’s all. Hmmm. Certainly explains some very tabloid-messy love sitches the two have been caught in, more than once.

Casablanca then proceeds to describe the alternative sexual lifestyle of anonymous celebrities he calls, “Secretia Ohio” and “Chester Shorts-Off”.

I’m not going to publish the entire post, but here’s some excerpts:

Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o’ guys, even though the public pretty much doesn’t know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who’s always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one’s really stopped to think what a slut he is.

But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:

Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!

The public couldn’t have been more wrong—or uninformed.

The deliciously kinky arrangement Secretia and Chester have is this: She gets to hook up with all the guys she pleases—usually by picking their names out of bowls at classy swingers parties. (Is that sorta like calling an alcoholic who guzzles only Grey Goose a “classy drunk”?) And Chester gets to boink all the boys he wants.

That is their secret arrangement.

After he posts a “Blind Vice” item, Casablanca often eliminates -via email questions - possible celebrities who some might attach to a certain post.

On Feb 17 in a mailbag posting, Casablanca posted this typical Q & A exchange with a reader:

Dear Ted:
Are Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon? Haven’t heard much from them, other than the very public proposal years ago on Jay Leno.
—Elizabeth

Dear Proposing A Question:
Nope, but that is, dare I say, a very good guess.

In other “Bitch-Back” mailbag posts Casablanca eliminated the following couples as being “Secretia Ohio” and “Chester Shorts-Off”, along with the accompanying remarks in quotes:

Gisele Bundchen/Tom Brady: “Not quite as beautiful“/”warm in certain arenas
Will Smith/Jada Pinkett-Smith: “more athletic on the man’s part, not the girl’s
Scarlett Johansson/Ryan Reynolds: “in the right sexiness ballpark“/”Ryan’s athleticism is dead-on
Victoria/David Beckham: “a bit more talented“/”slightly less gorgeous

Casablanca has eliminated many other celebrity couples from the original Feb. 5, 2010, Blind Vice post, but his comments in the above denials might give one a sense of the direction he was going in hinting about the identity of the couple.

Then there’s the most recent “Bitch-Back” query apparently from a reader about the identity of “Secretia Ohio” and “Chester Shorts-Off” - published on Oct. 9:

Dear Ted:
My witch senses are telling me that Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are having a bit o’ drama right now and are looking desperate over the not so small affair hitting them in the face. Will there be a scarlet letter in Chester’s future, or is their relationship based simply on an indecent proposal? Does your infinite wisdom tell you if this misguided duo ever go into full disclosure about their no-strings-attached deal, or will they continue the very public charade and make the public try and guess who is telling the truth? 

Dear Fast Times at Vicey High:
Actually, Secretia and Chester are one of the more highly functioning couples in Hollywood, Vice and all. Hell, the fact that they don’t play by romance’s conventional norms is probably why they’ve lasted so long together. Haven’t heard of anything out of the ordinary lately for them. Do hope it stays that way ‘cause being swingers is either a hit or a miss. 

The email, apparently from a reader, again, included, “a bit o’ drama right now and are looking desperate over the not so small affair hitting them in the face.”

A little over a month later, Longoria, who stars in television show “Desperate Housewives“, filed for divorce.

Wonder why Casablanca chose to post that particular email at that time?

In a March followup post to his original blind item about “Secretia Ohio” and “Chester Shorts-Off”, Casabalanca wrote in an entry titled, “Are Secretia and Chester Getting Sloppy?“,:

As we told you last, Secretia and Chester are pretending like it’s 1969, or something, and attending select Hollywood parties where they throw car keys into bowls and have sex with whichever partyer’s keys they pull out.

And you people say us gays are kinky!

Jeez, I like to actually choose a partner before having sex, is that so old-fashioned? Apparently so, according to Secretia and Chester, who have made quite the name for themselves, as most people who attend these catered orgies aren’t nearly as famous as is the beautiful couple.

But two things are taking this very sultry sitch to a new level: One, Secretia has started stepping out on her own for private affairs. And even though the twosome has an agreement that this is OK, Secretia’s really going a bit overboard (as she’s done with many of her previous relationships, monogamy’s never really been her thing).

Chester just fools around once in awhile, which is what he’d hoped Secretia would do, as well.

No such luck.

Either way, it’s a precarious love sitch that’s just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he’s a piece of popcorn?

Divorces make me sad.

Eva Longoria Tony Parker

Let’s try to remember the good times instead.

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