“Australian Rules” Do Not Include Whipping It Out

Remember a few years ago when Outback Steakhouse, that “Australian”-themed restaurant advertised itself with the slogan, “No Rules, Just Right”? Well, they’re a bunch of damn liars. Not only is the Bloomin’ Onion most certainly not Australian, but both the restaurant and Australia itself have rules. Lots of them.

Australian Rules Cockball
(Roight ‘ere, we’ve got an Austrahlian trouser poython! Croikey! ‘E’s a orn’ry one!”)

One particularly important rule would be the one against taking out your hog on live television. That’s really, spectacularly frowned upon, even in Australia. Tim Orchard, seen above exploring his body,was apparently in the mood to test said rule, and according to Australia’s ABC NEWS, it didn’t exactly go well at all

A Tasmanian AFL player has been suspended for indecently exposing himself on live television.

Clarence player Tim Orchard has also been ordered to have professional counselling and undertake community work.

Indefinite suspension? Well, that’s not too bad; indefinite means it might end whenever, right?

Clarence president Richard Mulligan says football officials met tonight and determined the incident was a serious breach of the player code of conduct.

“Tim Orchard will be suspended indefinitely and won’t play in any home and away or finals games for the 2009 football season,” he said.

“We’ll make a decision at the end of the season as to whether he continues at the club or not.”

Oh. Well, that’s rather unequivocal in its damnation, then. That’s never good.

While we haven’t tracked down video of the incident in question, for rather obvious reasons, the fact that the suspension is so dramatic and Orchard’s apology was so unequivocal leads us to believe that he introduced us to the mayor of Crotchtown on purpose; this instead of the whole Visanthe Shiancoe incident that didn’t lead to any serious disciplinary problems.

Also, the fact that the team’s president is named “Richard Mulligan” seems really, really funny to us.