Ask A Sports Blog: Tips On Winning Food Contest

It’s time again for ASK A SPORTS BLOG, where high profile athletes and sports celebrities turn the table and ask their most pressing questions to a rising young Internet sports website. (With complete anonymity, of course.)

Ask a Sports Blog - food eating help

Dear Sports Blog,

I’m an athlete in a sporting league, with the difference being instead of running and trying to put a moderately-sized ball into a goal of some type, I just eat stuff. It’s kind of weird, I know, but it’s the talent I have. And I’ve been good at it for a while, but recently someone has bested me in the contest I’m known for winning. And it happens to be happening again soon on an upcoming American holiday. I don’t want to disgrace my home country yet again. How can I get the competitive edge to eat more than the other guy?


Nourished in Nagano

Dear Nourished,

You’ve come to the right sports blog. Heck, that’s all we do while we write. Eat food, and wash it down with some kind of caffeinated beverage. When we’re all done with our blog posts about Erin Andrews, often we find ourselves with an empty bag of pretzels. It’s astounding!

With that in mind, here’s your suggestion: try to live blog your own eating contest. It may sound strange, given that you’ll need use of at least one arm to type away, whereas two hands are probably optimally used for the “gorging” technique (gross!). But, for example, so far while working on my response to you I’ve eaten one chocolate chip cookie, one string cheese, and drank a half a pint of Diet Pepsi. I’m not sure I’d be nibbling on anything that size if I was just sitting at a table staring off into space.

And besides, I’d rather you do the live blogging of the eating contest, since you have the best perspective. It would certainly be of a higher quality than what that jerkoff from DEADSPIN does from time to time. Why does he always make up that fake stuff about the athletes? That’s libel!

Bon Appetit, and Give ‘Em Hell!
–A Sports Blog