Ask A Sports Blog: In Need Of More Conspiracies

It’s time again for ASK A SPORTS BLOG, where high profile athletes and sports celebrities turn the table and ask their most pressing questions to a rising young Internet sports website. (With complete anonymity, of course.)

Ask a Sports Blog - A referee needs leads

Dear Sports Blog,

I was, at one point, an official for a major basketball league. Now I’m in jail! But I really don’t want to be here anymore, so I’m trying to come up with instances of when my former sports league wanted a certain team to win. But any good conspiracy theory works, if it remotely holds together. I’ve already testified about a couple of instances, which have thankfully found its way to the media, but I need more. Can you think of any good ideas?

The Whistle Blower

Dear Whistle,

You’ve come to the right place! On sports blogs, our forte is conjuring up facts and throwing them out there in hopes that they’re picked up by members of the media, scrutinized, and perhaps fact-checked, because we don’t have time for that kind of stuff between our real job and its corporate Webinars.

You’ll want to come up with stories which aren’t too obvious, yet make enough sense. For example, if a team in — say — Miami won their sports league championship because their superstar kept getting favorable calls, and everybody saw it at the time, then that’s way too obvious. Think smaller. Smaller. Thinking of Earl Boykins? Okay, too small. Think slightly bigger.

Let me ask you this. Has your league seen an influx of European talent change the game, according to the consensus, for the better? And are these Eurostars being taught how to fall? Well there’s your watershed Watergate. The league, unable to increase the level of white people in the league domestically, purposely globalized the game so they could get white Europeans into the game, and then fall on purpose, drawing fouls which favor the outcome of playoff games. Then throw in something about how the league always wants at least one team with a notable scrappy, floppy foreign person in the NBA Finals.

It sounds crazy. But that’s the point! You’re trying to get a lenient prison sentence by reason of insanity, right? After all, that’s what we as sports blogs do when we’re confronted with criticism.

Happy rumermongering!
–Sports Blog