Ask A Sports Blog: Hoops Team Roster Quandary

It’s time again for ASK A SPORTS BLOG, where high profile athletes and sports celebrities turn the table and ask their most pressing questions to a rising young Internet sports website. (With complete anonymity, of course.)

Ask a Sports Blog - Basketball GM with roster crisis

Dear Sports Blog,

I always read your posts, but I am always reluctant to comment or ask a question. But I am in a real situation right now. I run a professional basketball team in the state of Michigan that was championship-caliber a couple years ago. Today our team is sort of good, but not good enough to win another championship. Everyone’s been asking me if I’m going to trade any of my superstar players, and I said I did, but now I’m not sure. What do I need to do to win a championship?

Addled in Auburn Hills

Dear Addled,

There was an old Austrian proverb that states: “The earth does not shake when the flea coughs.” I don’t think it applies to your instance, but I just got this energy drink this morning and that saying was underneath the cap. But oh my god, isn’t it true?

It sounds like your team is one of those “dynasty” teams we’ve been hearing so much about. And when it comes to dynasties, one need look no further to the sagely advice of that one TV show from the 80s … it took place in Colorado … only stay-at-home moms watched it … it’s on the tip of my gone … ah! Mork and Mindy. That’s the one.

Your first step is to befriend an alien. The path will become clear with his intergalactic wisdom. After all, shucks, the little dude was smart enough to travel millions of light years just to visit this planet, he should know a thing or two about basketball roster management.

If you can’t find an alien, and all your alien traps are baited with the wrong kind of plutonium allotrope, then your best bet is to just trade everybody and get draft picks. But if you have some kind of plucky young player who nobody’s heard of yet had a reasonably good showing in the playoffs, don’t trade him, and build around him. Better still, if his name rhymes with “plucky,” then all the better.

Also, rent “Mork and Mindy.” It’s on DVD. It’ll just melt your heart.

–Sports Blog