You think you hate the Red Sox? You don’t know about hate. Read this post and you’ll know hate.

That’s Tim. He was a “life-long fan” of the Padres, but became increasingly disillusioned with the team’s direction. So he put his loyalty on the market. He sent letters to the 29 other teams, offering his fandom. Nothing is more despicable than a bandwagon fan, right? What team would lower themselves to accept this mercenary, who’s after nothing more than publicity and some free gear.

If I hadn’t told you it was Boston who jumped at the chance, you would have known anyway. Tim’s letter, and the Sox’s response, after the jump.

You can read Tim’s full letter here, but these are the salient bits:

To whom it may concern:

I would like to start off by saying that I am a die-hard baseball fan. Until recently, I considered myself a life-long fan of the San Diego Padres. Some of my earliest memories are going to Padres games and to spring training with my family.

…

I am writing to you today to inform you that my loyalty as a fan is officially for sale. It was, perhaps, foolish of me to have been giving it away freely for so long. I want to throw my support behind a team that has a commitment to winning. I will buy a jersey (perhaps you can recommend one), go out of my way to attend as many games as possible, including spring training. I will watch what games I cannot attend on television. I will vigorously defend your franchise to my friends, family, colleagues, and on the internet.

In exchange for my loyalty, I ask only two things. First, an explanation of why I should choose the [insert team name here] over other Major League teams?  Second, a New Era team baseball cap (size 7 5/8) –  to help me get started on my journey.

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you,

Tim

Pretty f’ing shameless, huh? All the respectable franchises ignored him, preferring to keep their real fans. Then Tim received a letter postmarked Yawkey Way.

(”You would have the chance to join a prestigious nation known as Red Sox Nation the largest nation of fans in professional sports.”)

Included with the letter was a bag of infield dirt from Fenway, and some stickers and player photos. And the Red Sox have another fan with no connection to Boston, no sense of the team’s history, and another reason for the rest of the country to hate them.

Here’s Tim’s Q and A for an online community for his “favorite team ever!”

Q: Who is your Favorite Red Sox player?

A: Dustin Pedroia

(AKA the only Red Sox player he’s heard of.)

Q: What was your Favorite Red Sox season?

A: 04, nothing beats coming back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees and sweep the Cards.

(That was quite rewarding for real fans like him who stuck with the team in its lean years.)

Q: What is your most memorable Red Sox moment?

A: The All Star game with Ted Williams on the mound and all the All-Stars talking to him.

(Not a Red Sox moment.)

Q: The Yankees are…

A: a disease.

(I didn’t know the Padres and Yankees had such a passionate rivalry.)

Q: Your Favorite Ball Park besides Fenway is?

A: Petco Park

(AKA the only park he’s ever been to.)

Q: If you were the owner of the Red Sox you would?

A: Make sure the team never left Fenway Park.

(So he can actually see it one day.)

Q: If you could ask any former or current player/coach/owner a question it would be, and to whom?

A: Grady Little, should you have pulled Pedro?

(Oh yeah, that really must have hurt him badly, back when he was rooting for the Padres.)

Like many members of Red Sox Nation, the team to him might as well have not existed prior to 2004.