There is nothing in our fine world - nothing, I tell you - better than watching two fully-grown men get in a fight. Not fight in a fight, mind you, but get into one; the moment before punches are thrown, when the two guys are jawing back and forth with the most insane and ridiculous taunts they can muster. Most of these, hilariously, devolve into some kind of weird gay banter, with the participants saying accidentally homoerotic things like “Your ass is mine!”, etc. But none of that could prepare you for the new front-runner for Gayest Fighting Words of All Time: “I’m going to make you pregnant.”
(The result of an ass-kicking)
The quote was from this past week’s Bills-Jets contest in the Meadowlands. Writer Jeff Johnson (he of the fantastic, but unfortunately now defunct, “Weekly NFL Picks” column for McSweeney’s) was taking in a game when a diminutive Bills fans, whom he refers to as Little Joe Pesci, began delivering harsh words to a Jets fan.
And what follows is historic.
From Johnson’s FITTED SWEATS blog:
He called the guy a “Faggot” about four times. Then he paused. Turned around. And then turned back towards the Cotchery jerseyed guy and said: “I’m going to get you pregnant. I don’t know how it is going to happen, but you are going to be the first pregnant guy ever.”
It was at this point that Little Joe Pesci captured my undivided attention, and I became almost unhealthily invested in making sure Little Joe Pesci experienced some type of pain, either mentally, emotionally or physically. How completely retarded do you have to be to come up with that as an insult?
The whole thing is really worth a read, especially Johnson’s own dissection of the taunt:
Telling a guy you are mad at that you are going to get him pregnant–the ultimate act of love, some might argue–is telling him that you are pretty certain that a very intimate moment with him (in this case, um, a fighting moment?) would make you orgasm.
Somewhere in Buffalo is a man, a man who looks strikingly similar to Joe Pesci. If you see him, please alert the authorities immediately. And whatever you do, don’t turn around to run away. He will try to impregnate you.