Allen Iverson To Memphis, Since God Hates Both

As we mentioned a couple weeks ago, Allen Iverson was formally offered a contract by the Memphis Grizzlies, a miserable, moribund franchise that would have left the city long ago if it weren’t for the ironclad lease agreement the FedEx Forum has with the team.

Monty Python God Allen Iverson
(”Alley-I! I command you, go to the saddest place on Earth!”)

Well, Iverson went ahead and signed with the Grizz today, according to the MSM and their “sources.” And by “sources,” they must mean Iverson’s Twitter page, since he just Tweeted about it himself. But this notion that God “chose” Memphis for Iverson means he clearly hates Iverson. Or Memphis. Or both.

First, Iverson’s statements:

God Chose Memphis as the place that I will continue my career. I met with Mr. Heinsley, Chris Wallace and my next head coach Lionel Hollins

I feel that they are committed to developing a winner and I know that I can help them to accomplish that. I feel that I can trust them.

First things first. If Memphis isn’t the worst franchise in the NBA, it’s because Donald Sterling and the Clippers have been on that grind for decades longer. So if God actually chose that for Iverson, that’s hardly a suggestion you want to take Him up on. “Uh, yeah, God… it’s just… my friend said he could get me a job at Office Depot, and they have pretty normal hours and stuff… and it’s not the Memphis Grizzlies… so I’m just gonna…”

And then for the Grizzlies as a team, this is hardly good news either. For one thing, they’ve already got a backcourt of Mike Conley and O.J. Mayo. What does Iverson bring to the table that they don’t already have, other than felonies? Then consider their starting forwards are Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph, and it really doesn’t make much sense where you might push Mayo down to the 3 to make room for Iverson; you give up too much by putting one of those two guys on the bench.

So the logical role, here, is 6th man, an Earl Boykins or Jason Terry role where Iverson comes off the bench, plays about 15 minutes in the second half, and shows utter disregard for defense or team play as he just runs around like a madman and chucks the ball up for as long as his legs hold up. Which is fine if you’re playing for, like, the Spurs or Lakers. Y’know, a good team.

But in their current iteration, Memphis is not a good team at all. It seems like they should be, but there’s absolutely no cohesion, no high basketball IQ at the point position, no brilliance on the bench to make the team function as a unit. Bringing in Iverson only exacerbates those problems, and Memphis is one of the few cities where standing around can get you in trouble. Like, Iverson had better have multiple entourage members with guns, and that’s not at all a joke.

So if God’s really behind this? Then the message is clear: God has declared war on Iverson, the NBA, and the city of Memphis. May He have mercy on us all.