Alabama Knows NCAA Vacated Those Wins, But…

What to do with Nick Saban? The man is as gifted a coach as he is a recruiter, stocking rosters with elite athletes and instilling in them a defensive discipline that can only come from an innate fear of their life and livelihood if they don’t listen to him. And hey: it works.

Nick Saban
(”This is where you all stop talking. I have armed guards to enforce this.”)

This probably isn’t mere coincidence, but he’s also one of the angriest men around - not just in college football, but on the face of the planet. It’s only too fitting that he coaches a team whose nickname is evocative of menstruation. He probably doesn’t have an office, but an underground lair. He kills, not for fun, but because he has to. And his next target? Why, the ruling body above him, the NCAA, of course.

According to the MOBILE PRESS-REGISTER, Alabama is, as can only be reasonably expected, appealing the NCAA’s decision to vacate Alabama’s wins from 2005-2007. Everything else about the sanction’s fine, mind you; they just want credit for winning:

 The University of Alabama announced Thursday that it will appeal the forced vacating of 21 football victories from 2005-07, part of the sanctions levied by the NCAA as a result of the textbook case.

“The important thing, I feel, is that we are responsible to our former players who competed so hard to win those games and for our fans and alumni who have supported us,” Crimson Tide athletic director Mal Moore said last week. “We’re doing this appeal with every intention of winning.”

So Alabama escaped with a rather toothless penalty in this whole textbook fiasco; no postseason bans for having at least seven “intentional wrongdoers” on their roster, no scholarship penalties, just an acknowledgment that the wins weren’t really wins because the players were cheating the system. And now the Tide want that undone, too?

Then we only have one thing to say. Congratulations on your giant testicles, Moore, seriously. Those are huge and though we’re not ones to stare, that fleeting glimpse we got leads us to believe you have three or four of them. Now please put them away.

It should be noted that Saban himself hasn’t weighed in on the matter, though we imagine his statement would have been mostly some combination of the words “death,” “skull,” “blood,” “gunfire,” and “children.”