Alabama Fan Goes In “Shotgun Formation”, 2 Dead

Honestly, it’s not even surprising, not nearly as much as it ought to be. When you get a rivalry that’s doused in hatefuel, then literally set ablaze, it doesn’t end with the football game. And while the logical endgame (see: murder) is certainly rare, “rare” is a whole lot more tragic than “never,” and we can tack two more marks onto “rare” today after two people were killed after a football-related fight between an LSU fan and an Alabama fan.

(It really depends on what you mean by “winning” an argument.)

Police say Dennis Smith (LSU fan) and Donna Smith (extremely unfortunate wife) went to the house of Michael Williams (Alabama fan) after a contentious post-game phone call between Dennis and Michael. Once there, a physical confrontation broke out between the two men. This is where you automatically assume that everyone involved is drunk and you are absolutely correct.

Now, as anyone who’s ever been in a bar knows, a drunk man’s honor can never be besmirched (see: anything less than genuflection) on penalty of aggravated assault. Both parties were well past that point, and both parties had guns, and what happened next was a gruesome, bloody formality:

Smith retrieved a pistol from his vehicle, and threatened Williams, who armed himself with a shotgun and fired two blasts, striking and killing Dennis Smith, officers said.

Donna Smith then threatened Williams, who shot and killed the woman, they said.

And thus rolled a great crimson tide of blood (I’m so sorry).

Police said the investigation is ongoing, and while this may end up being “just” two counts of voluntary manslaughter instead of murder, it’ll be interesting to see if this goes to trial, and more specifically, who they find to be a jury of Williams’ peers.

“Your honor,” the defending attorney would declare, “I don’t believe this is an appropriate jury, as none of these people would ever blow a giant hole in two people in order to defend Bama’s honor. Heck, I don’t even see any houndstooth. I move that this case be dismissed.” And the judge, a proud graduate of Alabama Law ‘74, would see no fault in the argument.

And that concludes today’s lesson in American Justice. Tomorrow: “They stole our coach, so I’m stealing this guy’s hubcaps.”