AARP Visitors’ Program in Effect at Fenway Park

Numerous states have instituted a Silver Alert program similar to Amber Alert programs to help find aged adults with various forms of dementia who wander off without supervision. Radio stations, television broadcasters, pharmacy billboards, etc. would put out pictures and descriptions that would help bring the wayward elderly back home.

Little League batter

(This is what every batter looks like to last night’s starters)

Surprisingly, no such program exists in Arizona. Also, there’s no analogue in Massachusetts. Therefore, an ancient 44-year-old Arizonan was able to stumble away from his home and end up at Fenway Park in Boston at the same time as a 41-year-old trickster who thinks he can throw his knuckles. And that’s how Tim Wakefield and Randy Johnson ended up on the mound last night.

The Diamondbacks’ young hitters found themselves befuddled by the amateur magician that could throw pieces of his hand at them while barely moving his arm. They only secured two hits off Wakefield before his family found him after the top of the seventh and helped guide him back to his dugout and change his Depends.

Boston’s batters had fewer problems with Johnson as they’re used to old people ruining their nights. Still, he only gave up two runs in six innings before he was called away to stand next to John McCain on campaign stops to make McCain seem younger. Juan Cruz (who only looks 50) gave up three more runs in the seventh in a 5-0 Red Sox win.

Next week, Satchel Paige pitches to Minnie Minoso as the Baby Boomers make one last desperate attempt to hang onto the world through sport.