Let’s face it; professional athletes are the coolest people on Earth. If you don’t believe that, just ask them and they’ll surely tell you so. But maybe you’re wondering how can I, a lowly sports blog reader, become as awesome as my favorite athlete? Well worry no more, friend! SPORTSbyBROOKS is proud to present you with a handy guide for when and where you can use the exclamations of joy that your idols use every day.
No offense, but it’s safe to assume that you’ll never be as strong, good-looking, or rich as your favorite athlete. But that’s no reason for you to suffer through a lifetime of inadequacy that can be remedied with just a few simple steps. Come along with me as we examine the wild and wonderful world of common sports celebrations!
It may seem counter-intuitive, but a great deal of your favorite athlete’s favorite celebrations are bubbling over with homoerotic undertones. Shocking as that may be, it’s impossible to deny that maneuvers such as group hugs, chest bumps, and dance circles are things more commonly found in 1980s New York than your average blog reader’s life. Nonetheless, mastery of these undeniably femme tactics will surely make you exponentially more cool. Here is a quick look at the most commonly found sports celebrations:
The High Five- a standard for years, the high five has recently gained traction with the irony-loving hipster crowd. Once strictly reserved for bankers at happy hour, the high five can now be found from Williamsburg to Silverlake, usually at the end of a very malnourished arm.
The Chest Bump- popularized by the mid-90s Seattle Supersonics, the chest bump has become the de riguer celebration for “and one” baskets. A risky maneuver that requires nightly practice to avoid potentially embarrassing groin-to-groin contact.
The Hug- a sign of affection that is typically only seen in the sports world after a team has won a championship.
Fist Pound- straight off the streets, the fist pound recently replaced the high five as the white office worker’s celebration of choice. Equally stupid and contrived (much like its main practicioners), the fist pound has many variations that can be customized amongst numerous groups of friends.
Group Hug- just like its forbearer the hug, the group hug is often seen at center court following a major team victory.
Dance Circle- the newest addition to the stable of sports celebrations, the dance circle can be used both before and after competition. It’s use as a motivational tool has been perfected by the Detroit Pistons and Rasheed Wallace.
The Butt Slap- often ridiculed, the butt slap is the celebration that will not die. It’s use has transcended age and gender and can now be seen in both men’s and women’s professional leagues.
As you can see from the above table, the situations for celebration are quite varied. In order to better understand the chart, here are the biggest takeaway points:
- Green areas are always allowed, yellow areas should be judged on a case by case basis, red areas mean that this celebration should not be used in this situation.
- NO BATHROOM CELEBRATIONS. Act like you’ve been there before.
- The butt slap is tricky to use no matter the situation. Use your best discretion when considering this tactic.
- High fives are generally allowed, but it should be noted you could come off as a huge tool.
- Any office celebrations that require physical contact with another employee should be cleared with your Human Resources deparment prior to implementation. SPORTSbyBROOKS assumes no responsibility for the consequences of an unwanted chest bump.
With this basic information and handy reference chart, your path to cool just got a lot smoother.