Yes, round-number-list-posts are generally stupid, but we chose 5 because if we didn’t stop there, this would go to about 6,000. We’re nerds, and we’re going to let the nerd flag fly high for a bit.

If you’ve been watching ESPN over the last couple decades or so, you’ve probably noticed that whenever they’ve got an obscure stat up like “Angel Pagan is 4-22 against lefties with a 1-2 count and runners in scoring position,” it’s always courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau. Apparently, they’re like black belt superninjas at Microsoft Excel or something.

(Looking good, Elias.)

Unfortunately - near as we can tell - they don’t provide the service free to fans, and there’s nowhere to submit questions on their website. So in lieu of getting these questions asked (and we’re pretty sure there’s nowhere to find the answers on Google), we’ll just pose them here, because, well, we’ve always wanted to know.

1. What’s the largest 4th quarter comeback by a team shut out through the first three quarters? If someone’s losing 26-0 after three quarters, we need to know if it’s really, truly safe to switch the channel. It probably is, of course, but we need to know.

2.  Who’s objectively the worst NBA MVP of all time? Yes, quantifying this would be tricky at best, and perhaps we’re going to have to agree to compromise by using the Hollinger Index or whatever, but it’d be funny to see who was celebrated by the NBA and totally didn’t deserve it. Wouldn’t the Sports Guy’s head explode if it was, like, Larry Bird?

3. Has Brett Favre blown more 4th quarter leads or led more 4th quarter comebacks in the last 10 years? If it’s the latter, the Vikings should probably feel even dumber than already right now.

4. What NHL goalie has the best save percentage in the last 2 minutes of the 3rd period? Generally in close games, the losing team has an extra man on the ice and is peppering the goal in hopes of tying the game up.  Also, we’d like to see what kind of increase the 6th attacker gives the losing team in terms of scoring probability.

5. If you had the choice between being the top scientist in your field or having mad cow disease, what would you choose? It’s a simple question, Elias Sports Bureau. A baby could answer it.