49ers Sign Crabtree With Help Of ’80s Hip Hop Star

Sometime early this morning in a San Francisco hotel suite, with FOX SPORTS’ Jay Glazer lurking outside behind a large potted plant, the 49ers and receiver Michael Crabtree finally came to terms. First a “Seinfield” reunion, and now this? What miracle will God next bestow?

Michael Crabtree

First of all I’d like to thank the St. Louis Rams for making this all possible. Without your suckitude, the 49ers would not have scored a convincing 35-0 victory on Sunday, thus going to 3-1 and forcing Crabtree to realize that, as George Costanza would say, he has “no hand.” Also, what popular ’80s hip hop star inexplicably showed up at the negotiations with Crabtree? The answer of course is …

MC Hammer? What the hell was he doing there?

Glazer is reporting that Crabtree, with agent Eugene Parker bound and gagged in a nearby closet, agreed to a six-year deal, exact terms of which neither side was willing to discuss. But PRO FOOTBALL TALK is reporting that it’s a base deal of six years for $32 million, with $17 million in guaranteed. The deal can void to five years based on high-tier incentives.

Crabtree, the 49ers’ top pick and 10th overall in the draft, had rejected the 49ers’ initial offer of five years and $20 million with a reported $16 million guaranteed. Thus began an infamous four-month holdout, during which luminaries such as Deion Sanders, Lou Holtz and Jim Brown all weighed in on what he should do. There were charges of tampering leveld at the Jets, and reports of Crabtree working out in the Bay Area with former 49ers QB Trent Dilfer. Perhaps he ultimately got a cold dose of reality while watching the Raiders’ 1-3 start, realizing that but for the lunacy of Al Davis, he could be playing in that special hell.

Morla, the Ancient One

(Even that giant tortoise from “The Neverending Story” was getting impatient with the holdout)

I believe that Crabtree will have more of an immediate impact with the 49ers than people think; by all accounts he seems to be in shape, and is showing no ill effects from a previous foot injury. And it won’t take much to get back into the good graces of Niners fans who had been turned off by his painfully long holdout. One nifty 25-yard reception into the red zone, and all will be forgiven. Fourteen seasons without a Super Bowl win will do that to a fan base.