APB OUT ON FATSO FAN WHO INJURED OLD LADY AT SHEA: New York NEWSDAY reports that Opening Day at Shea Stadium was a spine-tingling experience for 58-year-old Ellen Massey. But unfortunately, that experience had nothing to do with the play on the field.

Newsday notes, “Shortly after the seventh-inning stretch, she said, a man dressed in a green Army-type jacket tumbled from higher seats and onto her back, knocking the wind out of her and, ultimately, causing serious injury.”

To make matters worse Massey, who is now scheduled for back surgery on Friday, was hit by a beer before being steamrolled by the fatso fan - who inexplicably escaped without being identified.

My intrepid reporting skills have since kicked in, and the closest I have come to identifying a beer-swilling, 300-pound Mets fans is former actress Nell Carter.

But that lead is apparently a dead end, considering Carter croaked four years ago. I’m also guessing the perp in this case has already hired Michael Waltrip’s attorney.