11-Year-Old Bullfighters Are Probably A Bad Idea

Let’s be very clear about this. There are very, very few instances in which actively, publicly rooting for a child to be seriously injured is acceptable. It’s tempting, yes, but you can’t cheer against that whiny little snot-nose in all those kids’ sports movies who gets to win a championship just because he finds a magical animal that knows how to play sports. Well, you can’t do that at the theater around children, anyway. At home, sure, you can pray all you like that Air Bud turns on his human owner and rips his arms off, and frankly they would have made like 100 times more money off the movie if that happened, but still: severely injured children, even in your sick fantasies, is generally not okay.

Michelito The Littlest Bullfighter
(Not a midget, sadly.)

But when the child is bullfighting, on purpose, with knives and killing and everything, well, the schadenfloodgates are wide open, sir, and prepared for maximum carnage. That little tyke up there is 11-year-old Michelito, which is Mexican for “Son of Judge Ito.” And despite protestations from PETA and child protection campaigns, Michelito killed six “bulls” at a bullfighting show in southeastern Mexico this weekend.

The reason “bulls” is in quotations up above, by the way, is the same reason the word “dog” gets them when we discuss Pomeranians: they only count by way of technicality. Michelito’s kills were all calves, aged 1 to 2 years. And while we’re not going to sit here and start demanding things like “fight a REAL bull you candy-ass!” to an 11-year-old, we are going to hope that it disqualifies him from, say, a world record:

A video of the fight will be sent to Guinness for consideration for a world record - for the number of bulls killed and the age of the bullfighter.

Please. Those animals are babies. Michelito wasn’t killing bulls, he was making veal.

It’s interesting to note that Michelito is a Franco-Mexican; his father, Michel Lagravere, is a famous former French bullfighter himself. But French officials balked at continuing to host Michelito’s fights after numerous protests from various groups, so the family operates out of Mexico now. Which once again proves my theory: You can do anything in Mexico.

It’s hard not to be reminded of a tale of a great man, one Bill Brasky. As legend has it:

Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive? 

First Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I’m.. legally.. retarded![ silence ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Braskey taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, “It would have happened sometime!”

Brasky’s genius lay in the fact that he knew better than to feign surprise. Michel Lagravere, when your kid hits 13 and an actual bull with actual death-horns gores the actual hell out of him, do not even raise an eyebrow, because you should have seen this coming so, so far away. Be a real father and a real man: let your kid just be a kid until he can protect himself. And yes, that means no freaking bullfighting.